4 chambers of a heart
by Featherlightkisses
Summary: Mockingjay Rewrite. Rated M for language and eventual lemons. Katniss POV: "I am Katniss Everdeen. I am in District 13. Peeta is in the Capitol. I miss him already." Everlark surprises in store...
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer ~ I do not own the Hunger Games or any of its characters. All rights go to Suzanne Collins. **

I wake to the sound of machines beeping, it's exactly the same sound I heard when I woke up after I won my first games.  
That was a lifetime ago.  
Harsh lights assault my eyes as I peel them open. The room is not the sterile white I had expected, where am I? A fleeting thought tells me I'm in the Capitol causing my heart rate to increase - or I'm guessing that what happens according to the rapid bleep of the machine next to me. I connect hazy memories in my mind, trying to make sense of the situation.  
I was on a hovercraft, yes, of that I'm sure. I was on a hovercraft, but again, it wasn't the perfect, high-tech vessel I had seen flying around the Capitol. Then again I hadn't ever been inside one myself.  
I remember waking up, Beetee was lying next to me, hooked up to a low-grade version of the machine that measures my heart rate now. I don't remember standing up or even walking to the door, but I can remember pressing my ear against the cold metal, listening to the words that filtered through the slight gap. 'The boy': I heard this phrase passed around? What boy?  
Again I can't remember the events that lead to it, however my next memory is me launching myself at Haymitch. Haymitch! Where is he now? Hell, where am I now?  
I observe my surroundings, keying in my hunters senses. My ears prick to the sound of footsteps that seem to me coming towards the door of my room. I tense as the door opens.  
Trying to sit up I realise it's impossible, I simply don't have the upper body strength. I wait as my visitors footsteps grow nearer, from what I can tell they have a heavy tread but that could be due to what I deduce are military boots. I brace myself, still unsure of my whereabouts and the identity of the intruder. I almost want to close my eyes.  
Instead I take a cleansing breath and prepare to meet my fate- am I in the Capitol or... Where else could I be? My thoughts fly out the window as I meet his eyes. I'm safe. He's here.  
Gale.  
He smiles at the sight of me, presumably because I'm awake, but it's a smile I don't return. He looks well, his hair well-kept and dressed in a grey uniform opposed to the old coal miners clothes I had grown accustom to.  
What's going on? I search my memory, was Gale on the hovercraft? My fragmented mind conjures the image of a bloody Finnick Odair but I have no recollection of my best friend on that flight. Then again, my memories are few and far between of the past... I don't even know how many hours.  
I open my mouth to speak but a small croak is all that escapes.  
He looks down at me and shakes his head "Don't speak, Catnip. I'll tell you everything - don't strain yourself."  
I scowl at his request, does he think that I'm going to stop being stubborn now? Then again I really can't put up much of a fight, being unable to sit up and my voice hoarse from either lack of use or the colourful rant I seem to remember giving Haymitch. I give him a reluctant nod to continue, my curiosity getting the best of me.  
He clears his throat "Just listen to me first and I'll let you ask questions after, okay?" His voice is soothing as he grasps my hand which lies on top of my scratchy bed covers. "After you destroyed the arena there was chaos in twelve, everyone was confused and well, honestly scared. The lights went out, it was black and that's when people really started to get frightened. I was in the town square watching the games, so I ran back to the Seam to get our families," I nod along unsure of where the story is going and why it is relevant as to where we are now, where ever that may be. "That's when is saw the planes, they where there to bomb the district, Catnip." I gasp as a tear slides down my cheek. Twelve? My twelve? Bombed? Again my voice fails me and all that shatters the silence is my choked sob. I want to ask about Prim, my mother - my eyes plead him to tell me. Reading my face, which comes easily, I'm sure, after years of hunting together, he senses my urgency and worry. "They're safe. I got them out, we're all safe now. There were 800 in total, most from the Seam- I couldn't get everyone out." He looks down in remorse as if it were his fault. No, I'm afraid that was all me. Those people died because of me, because I blew up the arena. Still the damage can't be that bad now - it's where we're heading isn't it? To twelve? Actually in this situation I am well and truly clueless.  
I'm about to begin my stream of questions when I hear the door open again. The grey eyes I look into this time are not as comforting. I stare at him, watching him as he crosses the room to my bed. I don't know what Haymitch Abernathy did, but judging from the bright red scratch down his face, that I no doubt caused, he definitely doesn't deserve the welcome I gave Gale. I fix my signature scowl on my face as he reaches the foot of my bed.  
Tearing his gaze away from mine he looks to Gale. "Out" he says sternly. I turn my head to Gale who seems apprehensive to leave. I'm confused about when anyone actually listened to Haymitch, sure he was our only victor but he was also a drunk. "Now, Hawthorne." He demands, staring down Gale who in turn stares down at me, offers a weak smile and squeezes my hand before leaving.  
Haymitch walks round so to the side of my cot, falling into the chair Gale has since vacated. He signs running his hand through his hair.  
"I'm sorry," he says, fixing his gaze to the floor "I really did want to save the boy" he continues his tone somber. Then it hits me. The boy. They're not just taking about a random male, that's Haymitch's nickname for him. My heart rate picks up as does my breathing, save him? He's...  
"P-peeta" I choke, I feel my eyes go wide as I implore Haymitch to continue. Machines continue to beep, their sounds growing more urgent almost like an alarm.  
Haymitch is suddenly standing over me, his hand on my arm and the other on my face, directing my gaze into his eyes. "Sweetheart, I need you to calm down now," he says glancing back to the machines "remember what happened on the hovercraft? I don't want someone coming in and sedating you again." My breathing slows as I grow more curious about what he told me on the hovercraft - none of which I can now remember.  
"I, is he d-dead" I ask, a sob escaping my throat. Not Peeta, my sweet Peeta who I wanted to die for. I've failed. I should be dead now, not him. He was too good. I feel my heart sink as I think about never seeing him again. Now after everything we've been through, everything I gave him...  
I look up at Haymitch whose face reads confusion. "You don't remember?" He asks.  
I shake my head no, wiping away the tears that have rolled down my cheeks. He strokes my hair - a gesture that's unusual for Haymitch but sweetly comforting. He places a kiss on my forehead.  
"He's not dead sweetheart" he murmurs. My eyes immediately dart back to his as my heart swells with joy... But then what did he mean by 'couldn't save him'?  
As if struck by the lightning bolt in the area, I remember. No, he's not dead - but I almost wish he was, they've got him...  
The Capitol.  
A hot tear rolls down my cheek. He's not here with me in district thirteen, I remember that's where Plutarch told me we were heading. The memory that my mind blocked out.  
"Can I sit up?" I ask, he nods sorrowfully, grabbing a remote and pressing a button so the bed beneath me raises me into a sitting position. I take a deep, steadying breath - I can't dwell on Peeta now, as much as I want to, I can't. Haymitch came in here to tell me something- not just to apologise, however hard that may have been for him.  
I don't think he could give me any worse news, so may as well get it all over and done with. "What else, Haymitch?" My voice strains, his expression once again turns hard.  
"Just spoke to that doctor of yours," I nod "you experienced a lot of blood loss from that wound Johanna gave you, in addition to the shrapnel that lodged into your skull." He tells me. Maybe that explains my temporary amnesia.  
There's a shout in the corridor, I know Haymitch must have heard it because he looks to the door the back to me, with dead seriousness "Sweetheart, this might be uncomfortable for you to answer but I need the truth and I need it quickly."  
"Shoot" I tell him warily.  
He nods, swallowing heavily before asking "Did you sleep with Hawthorne?" I gasp at the question. What the hell does that have to do with anything. Who I have and have not slept with - and in this case I have not, is not of his business.  
"No!" My voice shrieks, high-pitched with denial. Haymitch mutters an expletive under his breath before leaping up in his chair and heading for the door. "Why, why would that matter?" I call after him.  
Haymitch doesn't get a chance to answer as the door to my room smashes open revealing a furious Gale. I look past him into the corridor and see the outline of two female figures. Prim seems to be comforting my mother. I hear Haymitch yell a warning at Gale but he still storms into the room with white-hot rage.  
He eyes me up and down in my bed "You're fucking pregnant?" He spits.  
Confusion seers through me as I look to Haymitch, his face confirms it all.

My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am 17. I survived 2 hunger games. My home is District 12. District 12 has been destroyed. I'm in District 13. Peeta is in the Capitol.  
I'm pregnant with his baby.

Time freezes at the revelation. My eyes fill with tears and my hands shake uncontrollably. No, no I can't be... Well, I can, but no. I feel light-headed as I struggle to breathe, tears spilling recklessly on my cheeks. I burrow my head in my hands and hear screams. The scratching in my throat tells me that I'm the source of the ear piecing sounds. I hear shouts thrown around the room and soft hands around my shoulders. I fall back against the bed and succumb to the darkness.

I wake to the feel of soft hands weaving through my hair. I open my eyes to muted light, much darker from when I awoke earlier. I look over to the owner of the gentle hands, and am met with the bright eyes of my sister. Her blue orbs swim with tears as she meets my gaze, a smile over taking her face at the same time.  
"Hey, momma" her gentle voice whispers, reminding me of my current state. I try not to outwardly grimace at being called a mother, but that's my future now.  
It scares the living hell out of me.  
I give her a small smile pushing all my negative thoughts to the back of my mind. "Hey, little duck" I say, whispering due to my sore throat. Screaming will do that to you.  
She returns my smile, still threading her hands through my hair - I remember Peeta used to always do this, after we... I push all thoughts of him away. "Mom will be in any second to check your vitals," she tells me "she cried a lot after she found out."  
I sigh - so did I. She reluctantly agrees when I ask not to talk about it, instead I ask where Haymitch is.  
"I finally got him up out of that chair," she points to the other chair on the other side of my bed "after I discovered he hadn't slept in 3 days." I raise my eyebrows in shock.  
"How long was I out for?" I ask.  
"The first time, 5 days" she tells me, I gasp in shock - I was out for that amount of time after my first games but that was due to Capitol drugs. "The second time, after you found out," she adds warily "only a day."  
"And Haymitch was here the whole time?" I ask, astonished at the depth of care my mentor has shown.  
"Mmm, not all the time. He went back and forth, his bracelet thing went off a lot - he ignored it sometimes but other times he had to go. I was here when I wasn't helping mom on the ward and then there's Gale -" I flinch at the memory of Gale storming into my room after finding out about... Well after finding out. I realise now that Haymitch thought the baby was Gale's, that's probably the reason Gale was told. I wonder why they told Haymitch about the baby first, why not my mother and Prim?  
"Where is Gale?" I ask, even though I kind of don't want to know the answer. She gestures to the wall where I see a prominent hole.  
"After he made that, and Haymitch... well Haymitch and him didn't handle it well, he stormed off - I think he went down to weapons training again."  
I sign at Gales reaction, he's confused. The last I'd told him was that my feelings for Peeta were fake and I chose him. And then there was the quell announcement.  
This was probably also the reason Haymitch thought the baby was Gale's - as far as he knew the star-crossed lovers thing was an act. Which it was, or wasn't... I don't really know. Still there is still one element of truth about it: when Peeta said I was pregnant, in an attempt to stop the Games- little did either of us know...  
My mother enters the room, I avoid her gaze but feel it on me regardless.  
"Primrose" she speaks softly. "Could you give me and your sister a moment, check Mr. Odairs vitals down the hall maybe." I glance at Prim who hesitantly untangles her hands from my hair and nods at my mother. She stands and quickly leaves the room but not before flashing me an apologetic smile.  
I mentally scold myself - I've survived two hunger games and I can't bring myself to look my mother in the eye. Her voice brings my eyes to land on her.  
She stands at the end of the bed, lips pursed and one hand on her hip.  
"How long, Katniss?" She asks, I don't need her to explain what she referring to.  
"The first time was on the victory tour" I admit, my voice shaking. She gasps in shock, I would have too. I admit I never saw I coming, but we were safe, due to the birth control available in the Capitol - the districts were not provided with such a luxury, god forbid we not offer the sacrifices to the dreadful hunger games.  
I was whisked away to an appointment as soon as we arrived in the Capitol and given a shot. They wouldn't want a pregnancy before a marriage. It was supposed to last until my next visit to the Capitol, when I started planing my wedding with Peeta, which evidently never happened. I continue to tell the story to my mother ignoring the burn of my cheeks.  
"We agreed not to do it again, just leave it that one time. Things were complicated enough. And then there was the Quell announcement." I take a steading breath "The last time was the night before the games, he set up a date on the roof and it was our last night together and..." I'm not sure what else to say, so I leave it on that note.  
"And that's the night you conceived." She finishes for me.  
I gape at her, how could she possibly know that? Actually scrap that, how could they detect my pregnancy if it's this early on? In response to my expression she explains further. "The resources here in 13 aren't all that different to that of the Capitol; very advanced and light years ahead of what we had in 12. You're 3 weeks pregnant, Katniss. In the Capitol you'd be able to tell within a week of conception, the technology here is amazing and can confirm it around the 2 week mark. Haymitch found out the day the doctor confirmed it, apparently he wanted to be the one to tell you, was he was I forming you, Dr. Steel was updating us of your condition." I nod, absorbing the information.  
"You will be raising this baby? Won't you?" She asks, warily. I feel my eyes water. She is asking if I would abort my baby, Peeta's baby.  
"I wouldn't kill it." I say, she nods her head in relief. Killing a defenseless baby reminds me too much of the Capitol; how they kill innocent children annually. And then there's the fact that it's Peeta's baby. "But he's not here." I whisper, allowing a single tear to slide down my face.  
"I know, hunny, but either way you've got this baby in your belly and he or she is not going anywhere. It's gunna grow whether it's got its daddy there or not." Her eyes are red-rimmed as she talks, I know she's referring to me, growing with out my own father there to watch.  
"I'm scared Mumma." I admit. Without Peeta helping me through this, watching his child grow, without him even being here to help me through my nightmares, I don't know if I'll survive.  
She walks round to the side of my bed and sits on the edge, her bony hands soothing my hair over my scalp. "You're so strong, so brave, darling. You'll make it through this, with or without Peeta."  
I take comfort in my mothers words and actions, this is the first time I've let her get so close in years, probably since my father died. I could blame it on 'baby hormones' but I know that's just not possible, I'll have to admit that I may be forgiving my mother. I understand an inkling of hurt she felt when my father died - thinking Peeta was dead, hurt me - it really hurt.  
Our moment is interrupted by Prim and a man who I've not been acquainted with. The man strides across the room and reads my chart whilst Prim flounces over to the chair and plants herself on it. My mother stands from my bed and squeezes next to Prim, they both observe the man working - I do the same. He has a good build, his height being around the same as Gale's but he is no-where near as muscular. He definitely has a lean build, and strawberry blond hair that is arranged neatly on his head. He jots a few things down, then sit on the end of my bed looking up at me. His eyes are dark and brown, his face angular.  
"Good to see you awake, Katniss," he tells me. His voice reminds me of chocolate, much like his eyes. "I'm Kellen Steel, your doctor here in 13." His tone comforts me and I wonder how this man has a strong name like 'Steel' when his eyes and voice make you melt.  
He holds a hand out to me, I take it and smile just as he does, his eyes crinkling. He hands the chart to my mother who glances at it briefly as does Prim. I find it intimidating being in a room full of medical staff who know and understand everything that is going on with me. One look at that chart and I'd still be clueless about why I haven't been on my feet for days.  
"Now, Katniss, you're actually lucky you sustained those injuries during the escape. If we hadn't of been treating you then there's no telling when we would have found out about the pregnancy. You see, being in the arena, although for a short amount of time, was already taking a toll on the baby's health, should you have come back here and we put you on a regular schedule there would have been a high chance that you lost this little one." He admits.  
I like that he's not sugar-coating anything, he knows I want this information so he's giving it to me, plain and simple. He's already earned my trust. I don't ask further about anything he's telling me, it's likely I wouldn't understand a more complicated explanation anyway. He lists a few other injuries, the only one that may cause a problem is my head trauma, that happened, as Haymitch so eloquently put it, from 'a piece of shrapnel lodging into my skull' when the area was destroyed.  
I let out a yawn, yet it doesn't seem possible that I could be tired after sleeping for a whole day. My sister pipes up when she sees my confused expression.  
She places a hand on my arm "Don't worry, your body is playing catch up, with not sleeping in the arena and the stress it's only natural." she tells me. "Plus," she adds shrugging "it's one of the symptoms of pregnancy so get used to it for the next few months." To my surprise, I chuckle. Prim joins in with a girlish giggle of her own and my mother offers a warm smile.  
I think, maybe, just maybe, these people will make my pregnancy without Peeta survivable.  
Maybe.

I'm Katniss Everdeen. I'm seventeen years old. I'm pregnant with Peeta's baby. I miss him already.

* * *

I walk through the corridors quickly, avoiding the gaze of anyone and everyone. It's only the second time I've been asked to come to a meeting in Control, yet I'm already out of there and seeking refuge in the nearest closet. After 2 weeks of regaining my strength in hospital, Dr. Steel released me yesterday. I still have to go for regular appointments, to check the healing of my arm where Johanna cut it open, but even when that's fully healed I'll still have to visit. Because of the baby.  
The baby that is thankfully still not making its presence known, I have almost no pregnancy symptoms, being just over a month along. Prim says I won't have the luxury for much longer and soon symptoms will present themselves, any day now, actually.  
I feel like I ticking time bomb, that would definitely explain why people are wary to approach or speak to me, especially in Control. The only person that treats me as normal is Haymitch, who's appointed as my guardian here in 13, it's strange because I have a mother, so surely she should have been my guardian but then again she is clueless about the happenings of the rebellion.

Mother and Prim sleep in a compartment on the floor below mine, close to the medial ward. I occupy compartment E, on the top floor, right next to Haymitch's actually saying that I sleep just about anywhere I can find alone, empty closets even air ducts. My bed is a double and only reminds me of the person that should be asleep on the other side.  
He's the reason I stormed out of the meeting today, the reason I'm sitting in this dark supply closet. They've written him off, he's presumed dead and see no point of a rescue mission which will ultimately waste resources. That's all they're all about here in 13, waste, how to make it as small as possible, keeping the district a well-functioning machine.  
I couldn't give a shit about waste.  
In 8 months I'm going to be having a baby and if there's a chance that it's father could be there then he will. Of course I couldn't say this in the meeting, news of my pregnancy is top-secret information; myself, Haymitch, Prim, my mother, Gale and Dr. Steel are the only ones who know about this child's existence. Dr. Steel agreed to wait until we hit the 2 month mark to tell the president - who I have yet to meet.  
Alma Coin has not been present in the two meetings I have attended so far, neither has Gale or my fellow victor Finnick. I frankly don't see the point in me attending, they don't talk to me, they talk about me, as if I'm not present. It's always about my status as Mockingjay.  
I'm the Mockingjay. I'm the face of the rebellion. A sign of resistance, a sign of uprising, and a sign of hope. I'm also a pregnant seventeen year old girl. I'm without the father of my baby - the only person who can chase my nightmares away. And I'm broken without him.  
A small knock startles me, how could anyone find me? The door opens and reveals my mentor. He wordlessly takes a seat on the floor opposite me.  
"Sweetheart, you can't keep running out of meetings like that." his voice low and gravely  
"Easy for you to say when they're not writing off your..." I stutter, not knowing what to call Peeta.  
"My Peeta?" He asks, sounding annoyed. I nod hesitantly. "Sweetheart let me tell you something, if we get the boy back then you've got to be all in or nothing. This whole friends with benefit crap you had going on doesn't work. It never works." He adds darkly. He talks as if he's experienced it but I don't probe, not now, I do however scowl at his labelling of mine and Peeta's relationship. Friends with benefits seems so meaningless, nothing like what I had with Peeta, but then what do I label him? The father of my baby seems the most fitting fight now.  
I fight back tears as I think of what I've done to Peeta emotionally. I've played him, all this time I've said one thing and thinking another. I can't think of a life without Peeta, even though that's what I seem to be living as of now. "I can't give up on him, Haymitch." I say  
He nods "We'll get them both back sweetheart, don't you worry."  
He leans over and strokes the hair out of my face, it's a comforting gesture which I could have never imagined Haymitch doing, but he's been full of surprises lately. I think I might like 13's stands up, his knees releasing a cracking sound in reply to the motion, and offers a hand to me. I wave him off stubbornly. "That's not gunna be so easy to do in a couple of months, you're gunna have to take my help when you can get it considering how huge you're gunna be." He says to me raising an eyebrow and offering a smirk. I scowl at him and the thought of my independence being taking away, then again it's not just me now, its me and... the baby. I'm hesitant to keep calling them that, 'the baby' seems kind of closed off but it's miles better than referring to him or her as an 'it'. It's way to early to tell the gender, not that I would find out if I could, not without Peeta here. I remember mother telling us that she and dad had nicknamed me: 'bean' and Prim: 'blueberry' when she was pregnant.

I try to think of names but the only one that comes to me is 'bump' and that's hardly appropriate considering my stomach is still as flat as ever.  
Haymitch walks beside me, placing a hand on my back to guide me to our destination.  
"Let's get you back to your room," he tells me, then leans closer "we'll talk there." I give a small nod and keep walking straight.  
We walk for 5 minutes and then stop outside his compartment. He opens the door to a replica of my compartment, only slightly messier. He leads me over to a small grey couch where I take a seat, he sits of the coffee table parallel to the couch.  
I play with the end of my braid until he speaks. "They're gunna ask you to be the Mockingjay next week" he says. "Officially." I nod, knowing it would have come soon.  
"I'm going to have to say yes, aren't I?"  
He nods. "Yeah, you're the Mockingjay no matter what, you're on the posters, you inspired them. But you can be the Mockingjay on your own terms."  
My ears prick to this news "What do you mean, my terms?"  
"Well, they need their Mockingjay, I don't think they're gunna say no if you have some requests." He grins mischievously.  
"So, I can ask for anything? And they'll say yes?"  
"If they want their Mockingjay then they will."  
I grin at Haymitch, already coming up with a few small requests in my mind, he's still looking out for me, even after the games. A thought pops into my head.  
"Can I visit 12?" I ask, unsure. He nods sorrowfully.  
"Sweetheart, I'll have that arranged by the end of the day. No sense in waiting until you're Mockingjay. They'll only want to make a stupid propo out of it, and there's no way I'm letting that happen." He says, determined.  
On impulse I lean over a wrap him in a hug, my lips linger over his ear and I whisper "Thank you, for everything." I pull away to see his eyes have glazed over but he still tries to look sullen due to human contact. "You're gunna make a really good Grampa." I tell him.  
His eyes soften for a fraction of a second before he releases a grunt. "Ain't no kid gunna be calling me Grampa, sweetheart- even if it is yours and the boy's." I scoff but still manage to smile.  
He gets up and sits on the other end of the couch, this action signals to me that the serious side of the conversation is over.  
"So how is the bun?" He asks, stroking his stubbly chin.  
"The bun?" I ask. What the hell is that?  
"Yours and Mellark's spawn." He explains. Oh, the baby? How did he come up with that name? He continues to talk, answering my silent question. "You know, bun in the oven, the boy is a baker - pretty good, huh?" I laugh, it's actually pretty perfect. My little bun.  
"How long did it take for you to come up with that one?" I ask, teasing him.  
"Stop running your smart mouth and answer the question." He snaps, with humour lingering behind his tone.  
"I had an appointment when I hit 4 weeks as you know" I tell him, leaving out the uncomfortable detail that it was a transvaginal scan. "I've got a blood test tomorrow and then an ultrasound next week - they're gunna use some kind of machine to see what's going on in there."  
He nods "Sounds great sweetheart, I'm proud of how your handling it." Haymitch telling me he's proud brings an unexpected feeling of warmth.  
"Do you want to come?" I ask, surprising myself and Haymitch who raises his eyebrow. "To the ultrasound, will you come?" He looks touched that I'd ask him but clears his throat, afraid of showing an expression other than surly.  
"I'll be there, sweetheart, but don't think for one second that kid is gunna be calling me Grampa."  
"We'll see" I smirk.  
We're interrupted by a strong knock on the door. Haymitch yells for the person to come in and I hear the door unlatch but don't turn around. I go back to staring at the ends of my braid whilst Haymtich converses with his visitor, only there are absolutely no words spoken. I look up to Haymitch, why isn't he talking to his guest?  
"Sweetheart, this is your visitor not mine." He tells me hesitantly. I see anger shine in his eyes and turn to meet this visitor of mine.  
He stands in the doorway, and nods at me. "Catnip," his stance is ridged as he stalks further into the room "can we talk?"  
I look over to Haymitch and get up from the couch. I lean over a press a kiss to his cheek. "I'll see you at my appointment." I confirm. He nods and then continues to glare at Gale. I walk past Gale and out of Haymitch's compartment into the corridor, he follows, closing the door behind him. Taking a few steps I guide him to my compartment and open the door to the room. I lead him over to a couch, identical to the one I just vacated in Haymitch's room. I refuse to sit down as does he, we both stand stubbornly over the couch with our arms folded.  
"Gale, you're the one who wanted to talk." I say, stubbornly. I was fine hanging out with Haymitch until he came and forced me away.  
He looks down at the floor. "You looked cosy with Haymtich. Since when have you liked the town drunk?" He tries to joke with me but I won't have him talking about Haymitch like that.  
"Let's see, since he helped me survive 2 arenas, is the only one here in 13 who treats me like a normal person, not the Mockingjay and he's still looking out for me even when he doesn't have to." I snap.  
"He's your guardian, so he actually does have to..." Gale says, trailing off.  
"Don't be a smart ass, Gale. He's the grandfather to this baby." I know it's not technically true, but he fits the title.  
Gale visibly flinches at the mention of the baby. "Why do you care? We all know that Bread boy got a bit too excited and didn't think about how this would affect you. He was selfish! That baby is a mistake!" He shouts, hurt seeping into his tone. My palm makes contact with is face before I know what's happening. His own hand reaches up and strokes his cheek, his face etched with shock.  
"Don't say one bad word about Peeta." I hiss "We both knew what we were doing and we were both willing. Yes we didn't plan this, but the past is the past. I can't change it and nor can he. I have this baby- no matter what they're not going anywhere." I manage to keep the volume of my voice down despite my anger. How could he blame this on Peeta?  
"You love him." Gale tells me.  
"That's not a question." I snap. He sighs and sits down. I follow his actions, perching on the edge of the uncomfortable grey furniture.  
"It doesn't need to be." He tells me, I tear my gaze from the wall in front of me and focus on Gale.  
"What are you talking about?" I demand. He gazes down to the floor.  
"Your not whole without him." He says. I frown at the thought of needing someone else to be complete. "You walk around like a shell, you don't pay attention to anyone when your walking the corridors and you stare like you're waiting for him to just appear out of nowhere. I mean, Catnip even now you're crying for him." He says, his tone soft. I bring my hand up to my cheeks, wiping off the tears that I didn't know had fallen.  
"How would you know, you haven't been around?" I say, harshly.  
"I have Catnip, but remember what I said about you not noticing? I would walk past you in the corridors, watch you go into those supply closets - how do you think Haymitch even found you today?"  
I smile slightly that's he's been looking out for me even when I hurt him.  
"I'm sorry." I say, looking into his eyes.  
He runs his hand through his hair. "Yeah, me too." He admits. "We can still be friends though right?"  
I laugh bitterly. "Last time I agreed to be just be friends, I ended up in this situation." I joke. Gale keeps his face straight but I can see the smile of his eyes.  
"Damn the Capitol" he mutters under his breath. I arch my eyebrow. "They took you away from me," he says "gave you to him."  
The thought of the Capitol controlling my love life sickens me, but then I realize that they did. Given the choice I wouldn't have put on the whole star-crossed lovers act. But I have to admit kissing Peeta stirred something inside me. Was it like that with Gale? I really can't remember. The Capitol never forced me to kiss Gale, quite the opposite actually, going as far to call him my cousin.  
I find my face inching closer to his and soon his lips are on mine. They are warm and hard against mine. I can't feel the fire, the hunger that would overtake me, so I press my lips against his more urgently. Maybe if I kiss him hard enough I'll forget about Peeta. Maybe Gale's lips can replace my boy with the bread. The Capitol can't control this. The Capitol can't control me.  
A high pitch ringing causes us to break apart. We both look at each other realising what we've just done and Gale abruptly leaves, saying nothing more.  
I burrow my head in my hands - what the hell did I just do? My ears alert me to the sound of the door reopening, I pray that it's not Gale. I look up and meet the grim stare of Haymitch.  
"Enjoying yourself were we sweetheart?" He asks sarcastically. It only takes me a second to realise what he's talking about. He knows what just happened between Gale and I.  
"Where you spying on us?" I ask outraged.  
"No, sweetheart. I came in here to check on you two, we clearly have very different versions of what talking is. I had no idea that yours and Hawthorne's version was sucking face while you're pregnant with someone else's child" his voices raises with anger.  
"I know, I don't know what I was thinking. He just mentioned the Capitol controlling me and I wanted to show them they didn't own me." I can't believe I just used Peeta's words to justify my actions with Gale. I'm messed up.  
"Not one of your best moves, lucky I'm here to put a stop to shit like this."  
"What do you mean 'stop shit like this'?"  
"How do you think sent the call out on his communicuff, sweetheart?" I gasp.  
"That was you?" I ask in annoyance.  
"You might not be in the arena anymore but that doesn't mean I can't save you." He explains and my attitude softens. I actually should thank him, that kiss was definitely a mistake. Instead I nod my head and apologize.  
"It's not me you're hurting, sweetheart. Think about what I said to you, when we get the boy back, it's all or nothing."  
"But then I'm following what the Capitol wants?"  
"That's a dangerous way to think, sweetheart. Fighting against the Capitol is what we're all doing but you need to separate your feelings for the boy away from the Capitol. It's the only way you can really figure things out."  
"You sound like you're speaking from experience." He nods his head and walks over the crunch I'm still sitting on.  
"The same friend I was telling you about earlier." He tells me.  
"So you actually do have your own Peeta?" I ask  
He nods "Yup, she's in the Capitol, she's been presumed dead." I gasp at the information. Who could Haymitch possibly have in the Capitol? Then it hits me.  
"Effie?" I choke out. He looks down at the floor but I can tell from his forlorn expression that I'm right. It's the same face I've been staring at in the mirror.  
"How are your functioning so well?" I ask.  
"I have my flask, I have you and the bun, and I know that the more effort I put into the rebellion the quicker we end it."  
"We could set up a rescue mission?"  
He scoffs "Darlin' no-ones gunna support a decision to go and rescue a Capitol escort who is highly likely to be dead. Not when you consider they won't even rescue the boy." He tells me regretfully. I nod my head as my mind drifts to our earlier conversation. We'll get them back, we have to.

**Hey, hope you enjoyed the first chapter! I have another fanfic _Two years too late_, So check that out if you enjoyed this. The idea for this was just bouncing around in my head. This fic will include Everlark, Hayffie, Odesta and a few others that I'm keeping a surprise :) **

**Review, follow, favourite...**

**C x **


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer ~ I do not own the hunger games or it's characters, all rights go to Suzanne Collins**

Haymtich and I walk side by side to the hospital, my mother and Prim will be waiting for us since they've just gotten off shift. We head to the left wing, where Dr. Steel's office is located, when we reach the waiting room my mother and Prim are already there, they both greet me with beaming smiles. I take a seat next to Prim and Haymitch follows suit, sitting next to my mother, despite playing it cool I can tell he's excited, even now, his knee is bouncing up and down uncontrollably.  
Prim engages me in conversation, telling me stories from her day and cases she's had to deal with. She even mentioned that she's been studying obstetrics- I have no clue what that means until my mother explains it's do with medicine during pregnancy. She tells me that at 6 weeks pregnant the baby is about the size of a lentil. Although they're tiny, his or her early features are just starting to form. This comment only makes me think of Peeta, who isn't here. Tears well in my eyes but before they can fall the good doctor comes and takes us into the exam room. I'm led to a bed in the centre of the room surrounded by machines of all kinds- one even looks like a T.V back in twelve.  
"So, Katniss," says "are you presenting anymore symptoms? Any more tiredness, nausea, discomfort of the breasts?"  
"That's a yes on all three counts, Doc." I tell him. The tiredness started not long before the breast discomfort and then a few days ago I had the pleasure of waking up, only to spill my guts in a toilet. I, of course went to my mother who informed me it was morning sickness.  
The name suggested it was present at a particular time of day, so heading into the cafeteria with Finnick for lunch should have been fine. Or so I thought. Needless to say Finnick put all of the signs together and my little secret was shared with one more person.  
Doc scribbles down some note regarding my progress "You're still taking those pills I gave you?" He asks not looking up from the chart. I tell him yes as he finishes writing. He smiles "Look who's finally following orders, Everdeen." He jokes, I laugh remembering my recovery and refusal to meet his requests.  
He puts his pen in this pocket, walks over to the T.V like machine and turns it on then turns to my mother "All yours Lillian." He says winking.  
"I appreciate it Kellen, thanks." She replies, pulling the machine so it's at my bed side. I look at her in confusion. "Katniss, if you don't mind, I'll be doing your ultra-scan instead of Kel- Dr. Steel."  
"Of course." I tell, her nodding my head.  
I grasp the hands of Prim and Haymitch who each have a place at either side of my bed. My mother rolls up my top, revealing my flat stomach. She squeezes a clear gel onto my stomach, I wasn't expecting it to be so cold so I gasp.  
"A little warning would be nice, mom."  
"You've been through 2 hunger games, I think you'll survive." She smirks.  
My mother holds a sort of wand in her hand, she presses it to my stomach causing grainy shades of grey to appear on the screen. She plays with the controls, adjusting the picture and zooming in on a black oval in the picture. She points inside the shape, at a smaller oval the same blurry grey as the rest of the picture. Prim gasps beside me and Haymitch squeezes my hand tighter. The small bean like shape has tiny little sprouts. My baby.  
"That's your baby, Katniss." My mother whispers, but I already know, the tears are already rolling down my cheeks.  
Prim leans over and presses a kiss on my cheek, I feel her tears merge with my own. My mother fiddles with the controls again and the room is filled with a fast warping sound. What is that? Is everything okay?  
My mother catches my gaze "The baby's heartbeat, darling." She explains, sending me into full blown sobs. This is real.  
Haymitch kisses my forehead and brings his lips to my ear. "I'm proud of you sweetheart. I don't think we can call the little one a bun, more like a crumb at the moment don't you think?"  
I laugh through my tears and nod my head in agreement. My little crumb.  
"We'll give you a moment alone." My mother announces. Haymitch reluctantly agrees, letting go of my hand, I catch him wiping his thumb under his eye. My mother follows him out, I turn to Prim who has tears cascading down her cheeks but a huge smile plastered on her face. I wipe her tears with my thumb and mirror her grin.  
"Talk to him." She tells me, before letting go and leaving the room. She closes the door and I'm left alone with the sound my baby's heartbeat. I don't have to ask Prim who she was referring to as 'him'. I feel kind of stupid considering her idea but I just want to tell him so much that I can't resist.  
"Hey, Peeta." I begin, sniffling. "Um, I don't really know how to do this and, er I know you can't hear me, but I miss you. I miss you so much. Thirteen is... Different, I don't know if you'd like it- we have a schedule, I mean it's even printed on your arm. I don't follow it, of course, you know I'm too stubborn for that. The only time I pay attention is for meetings and doctors appointments."  
I smile "I never want to miss a doctors appointment again. I hate that you're not here, I want you here. Our baby is perfect, Haymitch came up with the nickname of 'bun' but he/she is just so small at the moment that he suggested 'crumb' instead. He's gunna make an amazing granddad to our baby, Peeta. I know he will. I've given him the title of 'Grampa', he says he doesn't like it but I can tell as soon as our little crumb says it, he'll never think twice. Grampa Haymitch and Aunt Effie. Did you ever think about that Peeta, Haymitch and Effie? I can tell he loves her. We're gunna rescue her when we come and get you, then everyone will be happy again."  
I smile even harder at the thought of our reunion. "They're asking me to officially be the Mockingjay next week, but I'm not. With you and your words you're definitely our jabberjay, and me with my father voice- I'm the hummingbird. But our little baby- he or she is the Mockingjay, Peeta. Our little crumb is my symbol of hope. Hope that you'll come back to me. I'm making a list of demands, you're on there- a rescue mission for you, Effie, Johanna, Enobaria, and even Annie- that's Finnick's girl. Figure that, sex pest falls for crazy girl. We'll come and get you and then you can come back here and hold my hair back for me in the mornings."  
I laugh. Crumb's heartbeat is still as strong as ever. "Listen to it Peeta, we made that. Out of everything we've done, this is by far the most beautiful. Crumb is so strong already, they survived the area with me, the fog and all, yet still, listen to that- their heartbeat is so strong. I can't wait to see you again, then we can all be together. I have no doubt you could make me something I could eat without it coming back up again. Just remember to come back to us, I lo-"  
I'm interrupted with a knock at the door. My mother pops her head round the door, I give her a small smile as I wipe the tears from my cheeks. She walks over and turns the machine off, the comforting sound of my babies heartbeat is gone. She wipes the gel of my stomach and pulls my top back down. My hand rubs my stomach as my mother smiles over at me. She grabs my hand and helps me off my the bed. Opening the door and I step into the waiting room. Finnick is there, pointing some piece of electrical equipment in my direction. Prim launches her self at me hugging me tight.  
"Here she is, our baby momma." I here Finnick call out. I whip my head to him and poke my tongue out.  
"What are you pointing at me Finnick?" I ask, wrapping my arms around my sister.  
Haymitch answers for him. "It's for Peeta, since he's temporarily away, we thought we'd film everything, so he doesn't miss anything." A tear rolls down my cheek. It's a perfect idea.  
Prim releases me and I walk over to Haymitch, he gives me a quick hug and then pulls away. He hands me a leather notebook, I open it to find crisp white blank pages.  
"It's a diary, darling," my mother tells me "so you can keep him updated on the stuff we don't catch on camera."  
I bite my lip as a never ending stream of happy tears escape my eyes. I look into the camera and wave. I blow a kiss which Finnick pretends to catch making me laugh.  
"How's the baby doing then?" He asks.  
I smile "Crumb is perfect." I tell the camera.  
Prim looks over to me "Crumb?"  
I look over to Haymitch who waves dismissively, telling me to recite the story. "Well, Haymitch came up with the name. First it was 'bun' because Peeta's a baker and the whole 'bun in the oven' phrase, but after we saw how small they were, he suggested crumb." I absentmindedly stroke my stomach as my mother gazes at Haymitch smiling, as does Prim.  
"Aww granddad Haymitch." Finnick calls out.  
Haymitch shoots him daggers. "You better keep that pretty boy mouth of your's shut, Odair." He warns but there's a lightness to his tone.  
"Yeah, it's Grampa Haymitch anyway." I announce. Prim giggles along with me and I even get a chuckle from Haymitch who holds his hands up in defeat. Finnick silently laughs, shaking his head whilst my mom looks at us all in adoration.  
Finnick keep the camera trained on me "So does that make me Uncle Finnick?"  
"You bet." I say.  
"Well, let Uncle Finn take mummy to lunch." He suggests. I nod my head. "Right, now everyone say bye to daddy Peeta." Finnick calls out. We all wave and smile before the red light on the camera goes out.

Finnick walks me to my compartment where he leaves me telling me he'll come back in half and hour. I take this time to write in my new diary, I write everything I 'said' to him in the doctors office, and in addition I write about making the video.  
Finnick comes to collect me and we head to the Cafeteria. I put my fingerprint on the scanner and move to my place in line, Finnick does the same.  
Here in 13 everyone has a carefully measured diet specified to them, everyone is given enough food to maintain their weight, or, if they're in training, enough protein to put on muscle. I have neither, my diet is more flexible than others due to my pregnancy.  
I have breakfast delivered to my room, due to morning sickness, lunch is the same as everyone else's, eaten at the cafeteria, I have dinner in my room with my mother and Prim, because after dinner I grow extremely tired. I don't know how Haymitch has managed to pull it off without alerting any of the higher ups, maybe he's still playing the whole 'mentally disoriented' card, I am still wearing the bracelet so I guess he could do that.  
We're served the chicken and genetically modified vegetables that graces our plates every Wednesday. Each of us receives looks from everyone else in the canteen, they've seen the games;,of course they were censored, the swearing, the violence, the death- all of that was edited out. They see the tribute parade, the interviews, and the non gory part of the games. Afterwards they watch the final interview and afterwards there's a minute of silence for the 23 fallen tributes.  
Both Finnick and I are recognised as victors, earning us the respect of so many, it also, however earns us pitiful looks.  
We finish quickly and decide to walk back to Finnick's room in the medical ward, he's still being kept in for the damage the poisonous fog did to his internal organs, in addition to being branded mentally disoriented.  
He turns on the T.V, it's showing some Capitol woman speaking about the lack of recourses in the various districts. I don't pay much attention and instead engage in conversation with Finnick. Recent events cause me to ask one question in particular.  
"Finnick, did you know you loved Annie straight away?"  
He looks up at the wall and smiles as if recounting a happy memory. "No, she crept up on me."  
"How did you guys?..."  
"I mentored her, she wasn't like everyone else, she didn't fawn over me. She put me in my place, you know, but she's was still sweet and innocent. When I mentored her I had to distance myself, her odds were low, even though she was a part of the career pack. Her district partner was beheaded and... Well I really thought I would lose her, even if she wasn't mine to start with. That dam breaking was one of the best moments of my life."  
I smile at the story. "So tell me what was the best moment of your life?" He looks at me, eyes flittering down to my stomach and back up.  
"I can trust you right?" He asks  
"With your life." I tell him honestly.  
"You know how Peeta told the Capitol that you and him married in secret?" My eyes widen as I realise where he's going. "We did a district tradition- it's called shipping." I remember learning at school that each district had a different marriage tradition, not being interested in marriage I didn't listen. The only thing I seem to have absorbed is that the tradition represents the district's livelihood, for example fire from the toasting for twelve.  
"What's shipping?" I ask  
"Well you go out to the beach, just the two of you- we did it at midnight. Each of you brings something that represents your old life, you put them in the water to wash away- representing the sacrifices you're willing to make for the marriage. You also bring something that represents you as a couple, you wash it in the water whilst saying your vowels to each other. After that, you kiss and in District 4 you're considered married, even without the papers from city hall."  
"Why did you have to marry in secret? You were both victors?"  
"Ah, my dear, that's another story for another time. All I'll say is what Snow wants Snow gets."  
I scowl at his cryptic statement, but I understand what he means.  
Snow will use anything and everything to get you to bow down to his demands.  
I nestle into Finnick's bed and my eyes start to close.  
"Comfortable, Everdeen?" Finnick asks  
I ignore the sarcasm "Fine thanks." I feel my head being lift causing my eyes to fly open. Finnick sits at the head of the bed and replaces my pillow with his lap.  
"If you're sleeping I want to at least be comfortable." He justifies  
I nod, "Okay, but don't try anything Odair." I say teasingly.  
"I wouldn't dare, you'd put an arrow through me."  
"Too right" I tell him and for the first time in a week I go to bed happy.

I fight my way through the trees, pine, just as the ones back home. My feet carry me aimlessly, avoiding rocks and branches, that litter the floor, effortlessly. Mockingjays sing to me; a soft four note tune that sticks out in my memory. The rustle of leaves abruptly stops as do my feet as a blood curling cry pierces the air. I try to call out but find that I'm mute, my voice cords seemingly ripped from my throat.  
The scream echoes again and my legs work of their own accord, carrying me towards the noise. As I grow nearer I recognise the voice, I make my legs work faster to get to him but they seem to trip on every obstacle the forest has to offer. I fall to the ground countless times before I make it into the clearing.  
President Snow stands with Peeta who is cradling a bundle in his arms: our child. I reach behind me to pull and arrow from my quiver but find there is none, my next instinct sends me running towards them only to be stopped by an invisible force. I thump on the glass, crying out with my newly regained voice, on,y to find it ineffective.  
"Katniss." He speaks as the blood pours from his neck. I scream as I watch him collapse and Snow take the bundle from him. He raises the dagger, spilling blood over his crisp white suit and holds it over the bundle ready to plunge.  
"Katniss" the forest whispers to me.  
I take one last look at Snow,his lips from the words "Katniss, wake up."

I jolt awake, my breathing heavy and a sheen of sweat covering my skin. A hand comes into contact with my arm and I rip myself away. The arms still continue to encircle me, despite my efforts to get away. As a hand strokes my braid, I let myself collapse into my companions chest- no longer fighting their comfort.  
"Shhh." These are the only sounds exchanged between us, apart from the sobs that wrack my body. The shaking in my hands begins to fade as my breathing evens out. "Katniss it's okay I'm here." The voice that I now recognise as Finnick's soothes me somewhat but the choice of words only stings. Yes, Finnick is here... But Peeta's not. I have no way of knowing if my dream is a reality, if Peeta is really suffering for my actions. The thoughts only causes my breathing to pick up again so I banish them to the dark corner of my mind.  
Finnick sits me up, perching me on the end of his bed so my feet are in contact with the ground. He sits next to me for a second before getting up and taking a step towards the door. My hand flies out and grabs the back of his shirt, stopping him from venturing further.  
He turns back to look at me "Katniss, I'm just getting you a glass of water."  
"No" I tell him, tightening the grip in his shirt. "Don't, please don't leave me."  
He sits back in the bed and pulls me into him. "We'll get through this, we'll get them back." He tells me to which I can only nod numbly into his chest.  
Finnick pulls away slightly and looks down at me. "And I'm not gunna leave you until we do." He says with determination.  
"Good luck with that, Haymitch has said I'm quite the pain in the ass." I reply dryly.  
"Well that's makes two of us them." He says chuckling.  
I smile looking up at Finnick, he's still making one hell of an ally.

* * *

The fumes cause me to choke. This isn't like the coal dust and smoke that families from the Seam would inhale everyday, this is thick and heavy chemical air. I try to hold my breath as I walk, trying not to inhale the fumes, who knows what damage they could do.

I keep my eyes focused on my feet, not wanting to observe the death and destruction that surrounds me. Haymitch has a firm grip on my arm guiding me through the wreckage towards victors village. After being escorted to the Seam, by Finnick - who offered to come with me, I broke down in tears. Haymitch came down from the hovercraft to escort me over to my house in victors village; I'm glad, it means I don't have to look around whilst walking through town; I won't have to see or perhaps not see the Mellark Bakery.

I look up when I see the familiar cobblestone paving of victors village under my feet. The houses are untouched, not burnt to ashes with the rest if the district and its people. They knew the houses were empty, maybe that's why they've been left alone. My mother and Prim were working with patients in our old seam house when the bombs hit, did the Capitol know that? Then again it could all be about sending a message- Snow likes to do that.

Haymitch leaves me to enter my house alone, walking down the path to his own home. Nothing's changed, as I walk in I half expect my mother to be cooking in the kitchen or Prim reading in the living room. A fine layer of dust has settled upon everything, not just the regular coal dust from the mines but the ashes from the destruction. Heading straight for the stairs with the intention of going to my room I hear a soft hiss, turning around I find him sitting there, tufts of fur matted with soot and looking worse for where.

I scoff "Of course you would have made it through the bombs." A small mewl is his response, still it's better than anything he's directed towards me in the past.

I continue my journey up the stairs, taking the first left into my bedroom. It's stuffy, the air thick, but again it's like I've never left. Looking over to the bed a small blush tarnishes my cheeks, I imagine sitting in it watching Peeta walking out of the bathroom, fresh from a shower, beaming smile, towel hanging low on his hips revealing his chiseled body...

Shaking my head as if to physically remove the thoughts I focus at the task at hand, opening my top draw I remove the silk garments Cinna had given me during the quarter quell. Normally I wouldn't be bothered with what's under my clothes; nobody's seeing them, but with my breasts constantly feeling sore I have resulted to this.

Next I move to my wardrobe, filled with Cinna's beautiful creations, I stroke my hand over the soft materials, I only remember the names of a few. I remove the black stretchy trousers Cinna had referred to a leggings, a few short sleeved baggy tops and my fathers hunting jacket. Hopefully I'll be able to wear them for a few more months.

I go to my mothers room, collecting her wedding photo, and then to Prim's, picking up a hair ribbon and her diary that she doesn't think I know about. With my hands full I resolve to go back into my room and retrieve my hunting bag, hooked on the back of my bathroom door.

The sweet but sickly smell of roses turns my stomach and I dash to the toilet, entering the bathroom only causes the smell to assault my senses further.

I wretch until there's nothing left in my stomach but even then dry heaves rack my body. With shaking legs I stand and head to the sink, I stop dead when I see it on the vanity. A single, white rose, slightly wilted but as pungent as ever. Chills shoot down my spine as I step closer, I see a small white slip placed next to it - much like the messages sent with the silver parachutes in the games.

Congratulations on your pregnancy Miss Everdeen - President Snow.

The words bounce around in my skull for a moment. Does he know? I know Peeta announced it to the whole of Panem but he also said we were married, given this surely the card should say Mrs Mellark? I race out of the room and down the stairs, flying out of my front door and into the chest of a shocked Finnick.

He places his hands on my arms and crouches so he's eye level with me. "What's got you so riled up?"

I take a deep breath, suppressing my panic. "Snow." Is the only word I choke out. Finnick's eyes go wide and he looks behind him where I see Haymitch standing. Haymitch takes a step towards us.

"What's happened Sweetheart?" He asks

"My bathroom, the rose, he knows." The men give each other a quizzical look before Haymitch sighs with frustration.

"Sweetheart, why don't you go over to Peeta's. Get some stuff for when he comes back maybe? Odair will go with you." He shoots a glance at Finnick.

We both nod and step down off the porch, I lead Finnick over to Peeta's house as Haymitch disappears into mine.

I linger hesitantly around the door; I've spent a lot of time here, all of it with Peeta; wrapped in his embrace in front of the fire; Watching him cook in the kitchen; other... activities on the couch.

Finnick tells me he'll wait outside as I push the door open, revealing a hallway identical to mine and Haymitch's, Peeta's however is warm and welcoming, with paintings littering the walls.

I head straight upstairs to his room, the second door on the right. Going straight for the stray t-shirt on the back of a chair, I lean to pick it up - it smells of him, bringing tears to my eyes. Tucking it into my hunting bag, I resolve to take it back to 13 with me, it's far more likely to fit me in the later months of my pregnancy.

With that thought I head to his wardrobe, scanning the racks for clothing not just for him and his return but to accommodate me and a bump too. A pair of slacks, a couple of shirts and his old wrestling jumper with Mellark stamped across the back is what I eventually decide to take with me.

Curiosity gets the best of me and I feel as if I'm being led to his bathroom. I open the door and my eyes shoot straight to the vanity, I breathe a sigh of relief finding it empty, no roses or notes. But then I suppose Snow has other ways of getting to Peeta.

They have him, after all.

Glancing in the mirror I catch the sight of his body wash in the shower, I quickly grab it, the smell almost tricks my brain into thinking he's here. If I just close my eyes...

That thought leads me to the kitchen, over to his spices rack where I seek the bottle of cinnamon, I add it to my already full bag.

A loud grumble alerts me that's it's around lunch time, I check Peeta's fridge but discover all the food has gone off - normally this wouldn't be an issue, living in the seam for the majority of my life taught me not to waste a single scrap of food, but I don't want to risk anything, not in my state. Next I check the pantry- it's full of all sorts of foods I've only ever seen in the Capitol. A few bars of chocolate sit on the shelf, I grab them and add them to the bag. Peeta is fattening me up and he's not even here.

Before leaving I pickup one of Peeta's family photos and his art kit. I meet Finnick outside, as promised, he sits on the porch swing next to Haymitch who wears a grim expression.

"You got enough stuff there sweetheart?" He tries to be lighthearted.

"Is that your way of saying you'll help me carry it?" I ask, smirking

"Hell no, I've got my own shit, Odair will do that." Haymitch tells me looking at Finnick and smiling.

I hold my bag out for Finnick to take "Oh, I see I'm the lackey now?" He complains

"You bet." I say.

Finnick takes my bag and slings it over his shoulder "Are we all ready to go back to the hovercraft?'"

Haymitch nods in agreement, but I hold my hand up "You guys wait here, I have to get one small thing."

I rush into my house, grab a bag from Prim's room and enter the living room. He's laying on the couch, enjoying the privilege of no humans. I use my hunters tread to sneak up and grab him; there's no way he would be picked up by me willingly. Placing him in the bag, despite his resistance, I walk back towards the door. As I do so my father plant book catches my eye, sitting on the side. I run my hands over the leather and decide it can come back to 13 with me too. Tucking it under my arm I head out of the door and back over to the two men.

"Thought it was something small?" Haymitch eyes the bag curiously.

Finnick raises an eyebrow "Yeah and why is it moving?"

"That is none of your business, Mr. Odair." I tell him with a mischievous wink. He holds his hands up and Haymitch smirks as a hiss comes from the bag. "Shut up." I tell them when they begin to chuckle, but eventually give in releasing a small giggle myself.

We head back to the hovercraft and board in silence, the journey is filled with occasional conversation but thankfully nothing about my moving bag. A growl comes from my stomach, Finnick and Haymitch to smirk at me as I devour half of a chocolate bar, it's rich and creamy texture filling my stomach. It's just under an hour to get back to 13 so I decide to get some sleep, I curl up using Haymitch's shoulder to support my head and Finnick's lap to nestle my feet into. I feel my mentor stroke my hair as I fall into a dreamless sleep.

I wake with my shoulder being shaken, my eyes peel open to the dim lights of the hovercraft- they must have turned the lights down when I fell asleep. I look over to Finnick who's head lulls as the hovercraft moves. I lift my head off Haymitch's shoulder, who sits with a clear bottle in his hands. He looks down at me due to my sudden movement but doesn't smile, just stares with a grim expression.

"What's up?" I say, nodding towards the bottle in his lap. He sighs.

"Do me a favour and start watching T.V, okay?" He says. I avoid the T.V at all costs, I have ever since I won the games. Why would I start now?

"What?" I ask

"Just- ugh watch it, make sure you're watching Capitol T.V, okay- especially tomorrow morning." He tells me

"Why?"

"Sweetheart I'm not supposed to be telling you anything right now. This is as much as I can say." My eyebrows furrow with what he's telling me. What the hell is going on?

"Um, okay then." I mutter back. He takes a swig and nods. "Where do you get that anyway? 13 has a no alcohol policy." I say referencing the clear liquid that is no doubt burning his throat.

"Your no stranger to breaking rules, sweetheart. Turns out 13 have their own black market." He tells me. I raise my eyebrows at the news. So maybe this hell hole isn't as squeaky clean as I'd thought. "This is my supply from 12- something the boy didn't find and pour down the drain. The market here is good but not the most reliable."

"So where can you find this said market?" I ask

"It's not where, it's who. There's no set location it's all about knowing the right people."

"How can I get in touch with theses people?" I say, to which he gives me a wry smile.

"Ah sweetheart, I knew I could count on you- it depends what you want." He tells me

"What can I get?"

"Anything and everything that tight-ass Coin doesn't allow."

"Wh- how do they get it?"

"I don't ask, as long as they provide there's no need to question where they got it." Haymitch tells me.

"Well, I'll be in touch." I say, quirking my eyebrow.

The hovercraft shakes slightly and then begins to lower to the ground, I feel as though the bottom of my stomach has fallen out. Finnick stirs beside me, blinking open his sea green eyes in time to see the craft door open. We all stand grabbing our bags and heading down the stairs, the hangar is empty save one person. I hand my bag with buttercup in to Haymitch and walk towards him, in the opposite direction to the hangar exit. All though I could only see his shadow, I knew it was Gale, after years of hunting I recognise that stance; the one he gives when he's looking at prey.

"Hey." I say when I'm about a meter away from him. This is the first time I've talked to him since the kiss. He nods in acknowledgement, I realise I'm going to have to carry this conversation. "So... What you doing here, Gale?" He sighs

"Tell me you didn't feel something?" His eyes are set with fierce determination. I tense up, he's clearly referencing our kiss.

"Gale it was a mistake." I say.

He takes a step closer "That wasn't an answer, Catnip." I stare up at him, with his size I'm one of the few people not intimidated by him. His eyes flicker to my lips, then back up to my eyes.

"I'm pregnant with Peeta's baby." I tell him causing his jaw to tense.

"It should have been me, not bread boy, we could be so good together." He whispers.

"Maybe," I swallow "but maybe not, we'll never know,"

"What did he do?" Gale leans down so he can whisper in my ear, he snakes his hands around my hips "hold you like this?"

I clench my jaw "Gale, I don't know what the fuck has gotten into you but you need to back off, now." My voice is calm and deathly quiet.

"He's not coming back, Catnip. Let me be the father to this baby, I'll love you like he never could."

At first I'm shocked that he would say such a thing, then upset as I think about the possibility of Peeta not returning to me, us. I banish the thought quickly

"Peeta Mellark is the father of this baby, and hear me when I say the only father to this baby. He loves me and if he can make it back to me then he will and we'll raise this baby together. I don't need someone to fill his shoes I need a best friend- if you take a step the hell away from me, then I can forget this has happened." I snap

He lowers his hands to his sides but stays in a close proximity, looking me in my eyes. "Come on Catnip, I can make you happy- I can't tell you how many times I've been to the slag heap but I can tell you I've never seen him there."

"You think I'm just with him for the sex?" I shout, my voice echoing in the hangar. "Peeta is the kindest most loving person I know, he certainly doesn't go around bragging about how many times he's taken girls he doesn't care about to the slag heap. We might not have had a conventional relationship but trust me when I say sleeping with him was anything but meaningless." I see Gale tense but couldn't give a shit about how my words are affecting him. "You may have been with many girls Gale, and you may be very experienced but that's not what I want. I want him! But I can't because the stupid fucking Capitol has taken him. I want him to hold my hair when I'm sick and feed me when I'm hungry. I want him to hold me when my nightmares come and I want him to hear his baby's heartbeat for the first time." My throat is dry from screaming but my face wet with tears. "Don't you dare tell me I just want him for sex because he means so much more to me than that." I break in to full blown sobs causing Gale to steps forward and hold me. I struggle out of his arms but find it useless, he tightens them, not relaxing until I'm burrowed in his chest crying. He places a hesitant kiss in my hair and rubs my back as the sobs subside and my cries turn into hiccups. He gradually releases me, pulling away and stepping back.

"I love you, Catnip." He says, defeat clear in his voice. Wiping the tears from my face I nod.

"I know." I whisper back. He pauses.

"Consider it, you, me... us." I nod

"I already have, Gale."

He sighs "I've missed my chance haven't I, I've got no hope whilst he's in the Capitol and if we get him back then I'll have to compete with someone who was tortured for you."

"There's no competition Gale." I mutter looking down at the floor.

"What happened to the Catnip I met in the forest all those years ago, the one who swore off kids and marriage? The one who was independent and the only help you needed was from me?" My attitude softens with the question, I've asked it myself countless times.

"I grew up, I was forced into the Hunger Games, forced into forging a romance, forced into another Hunger games, then rescued only to be forced into a war, and it doesn't end there because I'm being forced to be the figure head. I don't want people looking to me, Gale. I can't help them, I'm a teenager, a pregnant teenager."

"You said a forged romance?" Gale says. Of course that would be the only thing he heard. I decide to tell him what I have finally realised over the past few weeks.

"I've been forced into everything my whole life Gale, taking care of my sister, the hunger games- none of it was my choice. I had no say in what went on in front of the cameras, it was all the Capitol. The only thing they couldn't control was what went on behind the scenes, they couldn't make me fall in love with him and so I resisted, I didn't want to be who they wanted me to be so badly that I couldn't see what was in front of me. I was so desperate to defy them and do you know what I found out?" I laugh as I think about it. "I sacrificed my own happiness, so really the Capitol won either way."

Gale nods as if sobering up to the news. "So you do love him?"

"I do." I tell him and I feel relief- it's the first time I've admitted it out loud; I write it in the diary at the end of each entry though. "But I love you too."

"Not like that though?"

"I'm sorry." Is all I can offer. He sighs, shaking his head.

His tone turns harder, saying "If he ever hurts you, he's dead."

"Killing him would be killing me, Gale." I tell him. The pain of losing Peeta would certainly be the end of me, that or a life of alcoholism like Haymitch.

"I guess you'll know what it feels like then." He whispers, then leaves the hanger, and me, alone, staring into darkness.

**That's chapter 2 for you all, hope you enjoyed... Review, let me know how I'm doing :)**

**C x**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer ~ I do not own The Hunger Games or any of its characters. All rights go to Suzanne Collins.**

I wake the next morning still reeling from the conversation with Gale yesterday. He went from angry to understanding, then to what I can only compare to a Finnick O'Dair performance, then back to angry and to end it all he got unnecessarily protective. The last words he said still cut me like one of Clove's knifes 'I guess you'll know what it feels like then.'

Never had I wanted to hurt anyone, hell, I never had the slightest desire for romance, but here I am, breaking the heart of my best friend whilst slowly shattering mine; waiting for the boy with the bread.

I'm not even sure if Gale loves me, or just the idea of me - he's not there when I'm screaming in the early hours of the morning, he doesn't know my demons. He only loves what's on the surface, you can't love someone you don't know. He may have fallen for the girl he used to hunt with in the woods, whose focus was on her and her families survival, but I'm not that girl anymore. My family no longer needs my daily haul from the woods to survive, Gale has his job here in 13, no longer needing a hunting partner. The only person whose survival I feel responsible for is Peeta's, and his child of course. Of course I would sooner die than see Peeta dead, Haymitch's words still haunt me - it's true I could live a hundred lifetimes and not deserve him, because even if I sacrificed myself for him there would always be some selfishness behind it. One of the main reasons I would die for Peeta is not only because he deserves to be on this earth, because he's the kindest, most caring person I've ever met, but because I simply couldn't live without him. Without the flicker of hope that he may return to me I would surely become my mother - a shell. I have to wonder why I haven't given up yet, but then my hands travel down to my stomach. Crumb is now 7 weeks old and still going strong, I can only hope Peeta makes it back before my second trimester. Haymitch assured me he would do everything is his power to make it happen.

I jump out of bed as I remember our conversation on the hovercraft yesterday: _watch the T.V,_ that's what he said, nothing else. I haven't been provided a T.V in my room so I shower and dress quickly, then rush to the medical ward.

I burst into Finnick's room, he's awake, sitting on the bed trying a rope, his nimble fingers work fast, looping and pulling. Our eyes meet but mine quickly flicker to the T.V that sits in the corner, he must know what Haymitch told me because he gives a subtle nod.

He clears his throat announcing "I need to go speak with my doctor but just wait here and I'll be back in 5." He winks.

I nod in understanding, there must be microphones but no cameras in the room- just when I thought we'd escaped the Capitol. Finnick's message is quite clear: he can't be involved, his story is that he left me in the room and I watch the T.V of my own accord, I assume this is why Haymitch also gave me the bare minimum. But what the hell am I watching?

I turn the screen on, it's just a broadcast of the weather - strange, in a war the last thing I'd be worried about was whether I was going to get a tan. All other channels have been cancelled due to the uprisings, so I assume this is the one I am supposed to watch. I listen, bored until there's a change in picture, it starts with Snow; my blood boils at the sight of him. Dressed in all white, white chair, white wall, even complete with one white rose on his lapel, a figure stands next to him, I assume a guard of some sort. This must be those propos Haymitch mentioned.

The camera begins to zoom out as Snow speaks about uniting Panem, when he switches to how we resist the system as the camera pans out further. The jaw of what I thought to be the guard is revealed but I know better, a tear escapes my eye. The camera continues to zoom out revealing his lips, his nose, and finally those beautiful blue eyes. The blue orbs that shone when they looked at me, that lit up when he spoke of baking and painting, now look beyond the camera, dull, lifeless.

Snow strong voice echoes in the room:'Panem today, Panem tomorrow, Panem forever' , as the Capitol symbol appears in the background. My eyes remain fixed on Peeta as his eyes look into the camera, then it cuts out and the screen is black, plunged back into darkness, as is my heart. The Capitol broadcast continues, presenters raving about the Propaganda shoot, commenting on how delighted they are that the victors are finally showing their support. One mentions that the broadcast has shown for weeks and I jump up in my seat. Weeks! They told me he was almost definitely dead at the last control meeting! _No signs to indicate that he was alive_ they said. This is a pretty fucking definitive sign.

I burst out of the room, matching through the corridors to the Control room, I notice Finnick striding behind me, clearly knowing this was going to happen. I have a meeting later today but fuck that.

I slam open the door. All eyes fall on me. A full table of people including Haymtich, Gale and Beetee, at the end sits Alma Coin, president of District 13.

She stands "Miss Everdeen, your meeting is not scheduled until 5 pm this evening."

"Well, I'm sorry President Coin but I just had to ask a question." I say sweetly but my tone turns sour with the next sentence. "Why the hell was I told Peeta was dead when propos of him are airing all over Panem?" I raise my voice and she stills immediately.

She clears her throat and regains her composure "You were not permitted to see those Propoganda shoots, Miss Everdeen." She shoots a death glare behind me at Finnick.

"Don't blame Finnick, he left the room and I turned on the T.V. He's not at fault here President. I believe the person who, not only withheld this information from me but proceeded to tell me that he was dead is the only person who should shoulder the blame. Now can you tell me that the orders did not come from your lips?"

"Miss Everdeen w-"

I interrupt her "Lets agree not to lie to each other President Coin." I borrow Snow's words.

Her lips purse "Miss Everdeen, Peeta Mellark is a traitor, siding with the Capitol is treason here in District 13." I open my mouth to interrupt her, but she shoots me a glare. "Had you seen that Mr. Mellark was alive and well, you would have insisted on a rescue mission which ultimately would be a waste of resources, I will not risk the lives of my soldiers or use precious time rescuing a victor who would be ultimately executed when he arrived back in 13." My jaw tightens at the news, I will never let that happen, she can't do that. "Letting you believe he was dead was the smartest decision, that way you would slowly come to terms with his death and when he was later killed in the war you would still be able to fulfil your role as Mockingjay."

She says everything clinically and as if it's obvious. Does everyone really think I would just get over Peeta? I glance at Haymtich and decide why wait until this evening?

"You will not have a Mockingjay should Peeta Mellark not be rescued from the Capitol." I tell her, my voice unwavering, strong.

Her eyes harden, her lips purse. "Miss Everdeen are these the terms in which if fulfilled you will become Mockingjay?"

"That is one of them, yes."

"State your terms Miss Everdeen."

I decide to start with the most simple. "I want to keep my family's cat."

There's a whole debate about what food he will eat and how he will get in and out. It's eventually decided that my mother and Prim will move to the top floor, next to me and Buttercup will forage for food outside, entering and exiting through the window. If he should cause the slightest issue, he will be shot on site.

I move to the next, this, I know will cause debate. "I want to go hunting, above ground at least twice a week."

Ideas at thrown about the room, _what if the Capitol see me? Could they use the footage for Propos?_ Coin agrees but only if I'm accompanied by a guard. I start to object telling her that a Guard will only chase away Game that I could catch and give to the kitchen. She's about to offer a solution when Gale pipes up.

"I'll hunt with her, President." He volunteers, casting a glance in my direction.

Coin looks fromGale to me. "Settled, each Monday and Thursday you and Solider Hawthorne will be allowed out for 2 hours, each of you'll be required to wear a tracking device and all Game must be handed to the kitchen staff afterwards. Now for your next request Miss Everdeen."

Upon hearing that Peeta is a traitor I change my next term slightly. "A rescue mission is to take place within the next month for all the prisoners. This will include Peeta Mellalk, Johanna Mason, Annie Cresta, Enobaria Gredue..." I look over to Haymitch who stares at Coin and take a deep breath, preparing for the back lash "and Effie Trinket." Haymitch's head snaps around to meet my gaze, I nod, giving him a small smile which he returns, wiping a single tear from his cheek.

Around us there are numerous debates taking place, all outraged that I would want to save a capitolite.

"Miss Everdeen, Effie Trinket might not even be a prisoner, she may have sided with the Capitol, bringing her back here could be disastrous, she could even be a double spy. I won't have it." Her words anger me, she has no clue what Effie is really like, only one person in the room does and that's Haymitch- he fell in love with her after all.

I continue my request even though Coin has dismissed it. "Each will be rescued and returned to District 13 where they will be given immunity." I say calmly.

"Miss Everdeen-" Coin try's to interrupt.

"You will pledge this in front of the whole district!" I yell. "Or you will find yourself a new Mockingjay" I add my voice seething with anger. Coin takes a deep breath.

"Very well Miss Everdeen although I'm not sure if I can work with the time frame of one month." I do some mental calculations in a months time I'll be 11 weeks, I have a scan then. I'm in my second trimester at 12 weeks. I need him back in a month "I'm afraid that's not negotiable, President."

"May I ask why Miss. Everdeen." She says, her tone condescending. I look to Haymitch for advice: _should I tell her about the baby?_ Is my silent question. He nods his head, and I take a deep breath, Dr. Steel would have told her next week anyway.

"Because I'm 7 weeks pregnant with Peeta's child and I want him with me at my next appointment at 11 weeks."

The room is silent all except the sound of Coins quick intake of breath. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Mockingjay is pregnant, the star-crosses lovers of District Twelve was not an act.

I feel Finnick place a hand on my shoulder and step beside me as Coin stares at me with narrowed eyes.

"Mr Abernathy informed me that the announcement during the Quarter Quell interviews was a rouse to stop the games." I nod my head carefully.

"That would be correct considering that was the night I got pregnant."

She gives one nod of her head. "I see."

Plutarch speaks up following the news and the president's less than happy reaction. "This is wonderful, we can have propos featuring the pregnancy and how there can be good in among a war." He beams excitedly. I stop dead at the thought. Peeta can't know, not whilst he's in the Capitol, they'll use it against him. Make him do things to protect me and his child. Snow may already know but something tells me he hasn't told Peeta, not yet.

"I don't want any Propos featuring my pregnancy until the victors have been rescued."

Plutarch deflates but Coin, who looked hesitant with the idea in the first place, agrees. "That can be agreed, but understand that until 's return you will need to be filmed in other districts."

I knew this would have to happen so I agree on the terms that the baby is always a priority and not the propaganda shoots. She reluctantly approves.

"I want to accompany Katniss on all trips, then later with the boy." Haymitch tells Coin. I can see that she's about to object, so I butt in.

"Let him, I want him with me." Is all I say to get her to agree.

"Is that the end of your terms?"

"No." I tell her bluntly. "I kill Snow."

She smirks "When the time comes, I'll flip you for it."

I nod and the tension in the room has noticeably decreased. She speaks to the man next to her "Call for a public announcement during reflection, and see that within the next week plans for a rescue mission are underway, Commander Boggs." She orders. He nods, standing up and striding past me, exiting the room. "You are all dismissed."

At her words everyone begins to stand and exit the room, I get a few Congratulations to which I say thank you, other than that the only interaction I have with any of them is a death glare at Gale. How could he not tell me about Peeta and the propos? He even took it further, using that fact that Peeta might be dead to get me to be with him. I wait for Haymtich to approach and enter the corridor walking between him and Finnick.

"You did good sweetheart." Haymitch tells me as we approach our compartments.

"You were right, we're getting them back." I say

He shakes his head. "That's all down to you sweetheart, thanks."

"Yeah, thank you so much Katniss." Finnick adds.

"Hey, I couldn't let little crumb go without meeting Auntie Effie or Aunt Annie."

They both smile and we draw to a holt outside my compartment. "Come on Odair," Haymitch says, "let's go and get you discharged." My eyes brighten at the news.

"They're letting you out?" I ask Finnick.

"Hopefully, then I'll be your new neighbour."

"You're moving across the hall?" My mood lightens even more at this news.

"Nope, just in with the old man." He tells me pointing his thumb at Haymitch.

"And I'm not happy about it." Haymitch adds, but Finnick nudges him with his elbow.

"He loves me really." Finnick insists whilst Haymitch walks off down the corridor.

"I'm sure he does Finnick, good luck."

"Don't need it." He calls back as he walks away. "I've still got that Capitol charm." He adds, turning around and winking.

I open the door to my room, my hunting bag still sits, full to the brim, at the edge if the bed - I didn't have enough energy to unpack it last night. I thankfully had the sense to give Buttercup to Prim, who was, as predicted, over the moon.

I figure now is a good a time as any to start putting things away. I place the bag on top of my dresser and open the top draw. I gasp at what I see on top of all my District 13 issued clothes; the silver parachute, the one I kept in the games. I pick it up and open it to reveal the spiel Haymitch gave me in the arena. A small clatter on the floor draws my attention away. My eyes focus on the pearl Peeta gave me on the beach, I pick it up and press it to my lips. Nothing can compare to the feel of Peeta's lips pressed against my own but this goes some way to comfort me.

I place all the items from the arena in the second draw, along with my father's plant book and Peeta's art supplies. I move the grey clothes provided my District 13 to the 3rd draw and replace it with mine and Peeta's clothes. They look right: our clothes, side by side, sharing a draw. If only we were like them; side by side but this time, sharing a bed. One month. One month at that will be us, together.

On my bedside table a place the picture of Peeta and his family, I balance the sonogram picture, Dr. Steel printed for me, so it rests against the frame. In the small draw, I place the jar of cinnamon that smells like him and the bars of chocolate I stole from his pantry.

I leave the things I picked up for Prim and my mother in my bag; I'll give it to them at

dinner tonight.

To fill the rest of the time between now and reflection I decide to write to Peeta.

_Hey, so I guess today was quite a big day today, I finally agreed to be Mockingjay. I know it would have happened eventually but at least I got to do it on my own terms._

_They're calling you a traitor Peeta, I don't believe them, I know what Snow's like, he's using something against you, I hope it isn't me. You looked healthy on T.V, I know they shot that a few weeks back but I still hope you look the same- I need you healthy for when you get back in a month. 30 days Peeta, then I can see you again, we can all be a family: Me, you, crumb, Grampa Haymitch, Auntie Effie, Uncle Finnick and Aunts Annie&Jo. Of course we'll have my mother and Prim too - she's already fallen in love with our baby, started pestering me about names the other day but I'm waiting until you're with me. I'm sorry your family aren't here to see our baby._

_I've unpacked all the things I wrote about yesterday, the picture of them outside the bakery is on our bedside table. I'll have to talk to Haymitch about you living with me, normally in 13 they don't allow couples to live together unless they're married. Oh and I forgot to tell you last time, Finnick and Annie are married- they kept it a secret but isn't that amazing. I still don't understand why Finnick was like that with the Capitol people though. He says it's a long story. Isn't it always?_

_He's moving in with Haymitch for the next month, until Annie and Effie get back of course._

An announcement comes over the District intercom, a male voice tell us reflection will be cancelled due to a announcement by President Coin. I check the time, I have 10 minuets.

_I've got to go now, Coin is making an announcement about your immunity- it was one of my conditions as Mockingjay. I'll explain more later. Love and miss you- always._

_Katniss&Crumb._

* * *

I quickly finish writing due to a knocking on my door. I close the dairy that I had written in for Peeta, basically filling him in on the whole coin-threatening-everyone's-life-if-I-mess-up situation. That's was 2 days ago and now I have 28 days until he's returned to me.  
I open the door to Gale, who wears a face of indifference, underneath I can tell he wants to be happy- I do too, we are going hunting after all but then again our friendship is on the rocks right now.  
We silently walk next to, but not acknowledging each other - turning corners and walking down halls until we reach a heavily guarded exit that leads above ground. Before we even utter a single word one of the 3 heavily armed guards escorts us into a room where he attaches tracking devices to our ankles and walks us through what I find to be a DNA scanner. Once satisfied he directs us to the other end of the room where I notice a bow and arrows, walking closer I discover they are the exact same ones my father carved for me. My eyes shoot to Gales and I give him a nod of gratitude letting him know I'm not mad, which, by the look on his face, he assumed I was. My hands skate over the wood, running the pad of my thumb over the 'K' that my father had carved shortly before his death.  
"How did you..." My voice trails off, these were in the woods, my woods.  
When he doesn't answer I turn to look at him.  
"I had to use them." He admits and I now know why he expected a worse reaction; the only people who have ever used this bow are me and my father- I consider it sacred sort if bond between us. Before I have a chance to speak he explains further. "I'm sorry, Catnip- I had to, 800 mouths to feed at the dead of night is no easy task- only 2 of us knew how to shoot, I lent them my bow- I knew having a stranger use it would be crossing a boundary but I thought maybe if I-"  
I stand up and cut him off "Gale, I'm not mad."  
He furrows his eyebrows "You're not?"  
I look down at the bow "No" I say running my hands gently along the wood. "This bow has always represented survival, to me and my dad. Using it to help feed people is what he would have wanted, it's what it's meant for." I tell him, reminiscing about my very first hunting lessons with my father.  
"Well I guess we're not all about survival anymore." He tells me sadly, looking at the floor. As much as it pains me to admit my family don't rely on me anymore, if I were to die of course they would be upset but they would ultimately go on living. Just like Peeta said to me in the Quell. For the first time in our lives me and Gale don't have something pushing us to survive or go hunting, for the first time we actually have a choice.  
"I guess everything's different" say, catching his attention and causing him to raise his gaze from the floor to meet mine. "They don't need us anymore, Gale. Our families are well fed, protected. Prim's training to be a doctor, Rory and Vic are in training, they're all doing so well without us, none relies on us anymore, Gale."  
He sighs "That's true," He says "for me."  
I give him a questioning look, his response is directing his eyes to my stomach. Of course, I have crumb.  
I sigh "I guess you have a point but after she's born..." My eyes flitter to the ground "I don't know what I'm gunna do."  
When I look back up he's a step closer "What are you talking about Catnip?"  
As I'm about to reply the security officer clears his throat and jolts his head in the direction of the door. We must be on a schedule.  
"Let's just talk outside." I say as I breeze past him. I sense that he follows me and we pass the other two guards to enter an elevator. The guard that assisted us with our weapons joins us in the metal box.  
As the doors slide closed I cling to Gale's arm, neither of us are comfortable in elevators and even though he had to work in the mines on a daily basis I can still feel his muscles tensing. The journey is thankfully short one, a few minutes at most. Then we're above ground. Stepping out of the elevator into lush green forests makes me reminiscent of my games, being raised up into the arena, ready for slaughter. But this isn't the case. Today I'm going hunting, hunting with my best friend just like we used to. I hear Gale inhale the air and then release a relaxed sigh. I follow his actions, inhaling, smelling the fresh air tinted with hints of pine and earth. Home. It's the only word I could ever use to describe the woods, they've always been here, not just my key to survival but my sanctuary.  
The guards voice breaks my reverie "Be back in 2 hours Soldier Hawthorne, you too, Soldier Everdeen." The the doors slide shut and we're left alone in the woods. Finally.  
I look up to Gale "Why am I being called Soldier Everdeen now? A week ago I was just 'miss'."  
"A week ago you weren't the Mockingjay." He tells me distracted, not even glancing in my direction, just scanning the trees for prey. He's already slipped into hunting mode, listening for the slightest rustling that indicate an animal is within our reach.  
I grip my bow and correct my stance, breathing in and out slowly. It feels like so long since I've had a bow in my hands, the last time being in the arena and shooting out the force field. The slight movement up in the trees on my left has me reaching for an arrow and equipping my bow with it.  
A squirrel. That's my first target, like the one I used to deliver to Peeta's dad, who is now dead because of me. And Peeta. He's in the Capitol, probably wishing he was dead. Because of me. Just 2 of the hundreds of lives I have destroyed not only in 12 but in the rest of Panem too.  
I refocus on the tree to find the squirrel gone and Gale looking at me questioningly. I can tell what he wants to ask: _why didn't I shoot?_ I had the shot lined up- hook, line and sinker my dad would have said, referring to our fishing lessons.  
I was distracted, distracted with thoughts of Peeta, my boy with the bread. Even in forest, my sanctuary, I'm reminded of him. The gentle sway of the trees, only making me think of his soothing voice when I awoke from a nightmare. The birds chirping, reminding me if his optimism, his cheery outlook on life. And then the sky. It's colour could in no way compete with his eyes, not the deep blue orbs that are just so captivating, I imagine they were sourced straight from the deepest oceans, their colour stolen from the sparkling sapphires I have seen in Capitol jewellery stores. He has beautiful eyes, the kind you can get lost in. And I guess I did.  
"Catnip, seriously what's bugging you?" Gale interrupts my train of thought.  
I sigh "You know, thinking about things." I don't expand any further, saying Peeta would definitely change the mood between us. Why is it that if you love someone you can't avoid hurting other people?  
"That dangerous, you know," He says "to over think." He furthers.  
I look over at him "What about mind over matter."  
He shrugs "Sometimes you need to stop thinking and follow your heart."  
"Then it looks like I need a one way ticket to the Captiol." I say softly. He takes a moment to absorb what I've said then he nods and walks into the trees, snare equipment in tow.  
I refocus on hunting, all thoughts, no matter how wonderful, of Peeta are banished temporarily from my mind.

An hour later and we're both in the elevator ready to begin our decent. My hunting bag is full; 4 squirrels and 3 rabbits full. Gale, I understand, has done no shooting at all, only setting snares for our next trip on Thursday.  
Silence surrounds us, but never has that been something awkward- as hunting partners silence is a mutual agreement. It's only now due to our current situation and words that have been exchanged that the lack of conversation is uncomfortable, for me at least.  
We both step out when the doors roll open and sign in with the DNA scanner just as we had done when we signed out. I begrudgingly put my bow down where I found it and pull the quiver of arrows over my head, setting them down next to it. When I emerge from the room it is not the guard that greets me but the face of my drunken mentor.  
"Sweetheart!" He exclaims as he sees me. I raise my eyebrows. "You have a meeting with Plutarch in a few hours." He says happily. I don't think I've ever seen Haymitch giddy drunk- Only completely wasted, but I do have to say, he is an extremely high functioning alcoholic.  
"I know." I say carefully "you told me this morning."  
He looks up to the ceiling trying to recall the memory then back down to me and shrugs. "Oh"  
"Come on Haymitch let's get you back to your room, seeing you happy could mentally confuse some people." Gale says from behind me.  
I laugh at the joke and nod my head in agreement. We both take Haymitch by an arm and lead him to his room.  
Gale dumps Haymitch on the couch, during the journey the alcohol seemed to have worn off and the hangover is starting to set in.  
"You better get out of here Gale, Haymitch and hangovers do not mix." I tease  
He turns to me "Why the hell does he drink then?"  
I stay silent, of course Gale does not know of the demons you carry around inside of you after winning the games.  
"You wouldn't understand, Gale." I tell him softly as not to offend him. "Most of us victors rely on some drug to keep the games away."  
"What's yours?" He asks. I stay silent. Peeta. Peeta is my drug. "Please don't tell me it's this poison?" He says referring to the alcohol causing Haymitch's hangover.  
"He's right," Haymitch pipes up "it is poison." He tells me.  
"Then why do you drink it?" Gale sneers, still not understanding, I have to admit I didn't before the games either.  
"Cause," Haymitch begins gruffly running his hand through his hair and sighing " I've got things inside me that I wanna kill."  
Both me and Gale are too shocked to speak after this statement, although for different reasons. Gale, I'm sure, is silent because he's shocked to find out the real reason behind Haymitch's drinking, as for me, I have been stunned into silence due to my mentor explaining everything perfectly. We've got things inside us that we wanna kill. Perfect.  
I tear my gaze from Haymitch to look at Gale "I'll see you at the meeting?" I say, prompting him to leave.  
He shakes his head "nope, production crew only."  
"Then meet me after and we'll hang out." I say, I'm giving him a branch, all he has to do is take it.  
He nods and then leaves the room.  
I sit next to Haymitch. "Who knew you were so good with words?" I say to him, to which he shrugs.  
"Took me 20 years to come up with that one, just been waiting to use it." He says.  
"24 years don't you mean?" I correct him. It's been 24 years since his games.  
"Nah, the last 4 years I've drunk mostly for her."  
I cock my head, I know who he means by her but am still failing to comprehend the statement.  
"Go on." I say  
He sighs "The tributes, the death I still want to forget that, they still haunt me. But her, leaving every year?..." He stakes his head as words fail him. "Vodka burns my throat but the sound of her name hurts my head. I would rather black out with a hangover than stare blankly at my hands trying to forget what it feels like to touch her." He says bluntly. I still stand, stunned into silence once again. Who knew he had such a way with words.  
After what seems like a long time I joke "You know that really makes me want to have a swig." Relating my situation with Peeta to his and Effie's. He gives a hallow laugh.  
"Not with little crum you're not."  
"I know but a girl can dream." I say  
"Or rather have nightmares." He interjects.  
"Cheers to that." I call out and we both chuckle.  
It's feels good to laugh, like we're doing it right in the Capitol's face.  
It stays silent until Haymitch speaks "So, is Hawthorne behaving himself?"  
I give him a strange look "Yeah..."  
"No more incidents like at the hangar?" My head snaps to his.  
"How did you know about that? We were alone." I ask. He shakes his head.  
"No sweetheart, me and Finnick went back because we left my bottles on the craft. Next thing I know he's clenching his fists and I'm holding him back. Finnick is very protective, yours and Peeta's relationship, strangely is something he sees the need to protect. That and the fact that your like a little sister to him. He hasn't had one of those in years." He says darkly.  
The weight of what Haymitch just said sits on my chest. Snow killed Finnick's sister, there's no room for doubt by the way Haymitch said it. I decide to leave the subject, it would only bring up heartache for his own dead family. Instead I take a different route based on what he's just told me.  
"Why did you hold him back?" I ask. Relief flashes in his eyes, probably because I didn't push any further with the whole family thing.  
"You're a big girl, I have to trust you to make the right decisions. Based on the events that happened the other day," he glares at me whilst referring to me kissing Gale "I was pretty confident you would do the right thing. And you did." I nod. "Plus I didn't think it would do him any favours, punching Coin's little pet that is Gale Hawthorne."  
I scoff "What? Gale is not like that."  
"I would have said that too," Haymitch says "until I saw his tongue so far up Coin's ass that it could have come out her ear."  
I giggle but it is soon diminished "I won't believe it until I see it." I say stubbornly.  
"Well our next meeting at control will be very enlightening sweetheart."  
"Whatever Haymitch, sleep off the hangover and I'll get you up in time for my meeting."  
"What are you gunna be doing whilst I'm out?" He asks  
I place my hand on my stomach "Me and crumb are gunna eat some of Peeta's chocolate and then catch up on some beauty sleep." I tell him, marvelling at how his eyes soften.  
"Well, you need it." He says dryly.  
"Mmm, you could do with some yourself old man."  
"Nah, I'm beautiful, sweetheart, you know I am." He says sarcastically  
"Yep, you're a real beauty queen." I call out behind me as I exit his compartment.

A hour and a half later I've woken Haymitch up, who seems to be hangover free, and we're walking into control. As I enter I notice the people around the table are few, only Plutarch and 3 others who I'm assuming I will be introduced to soon.  
"Katniss, lovely to see you looking so well darling, you're positively glowing." Plutarch bursts, greeting me as if we're old friends. I plaster on a smile, fake as always, and greet him, then take a seat at the opposite side of the table with Haymitch next to me.  
"Right lets cut the crap- why are we here?" Haymitch says. I turn to him with a raised eyebrow to which he only shrugs.  
Plutarch seems to be expecting it "Mr. Abernathy, a joy to have you here as always but need I remind you that Soldier Everdeen was requested to attend this meeting and Solider Everdeen only, I will have to ask what are you doing here?"  
Haymitch sits back in his chair "I'm supervising Miss Everdeen as I am her guardian, but if you'd like me to be more specific I'm sitting, breathing, standing, and now talking which is actually distracting me from what I came here to do." He says smugly. I have to suppress a laugh.  
Plutarch sits straighter in his chair, "Haymitch, do you think you could answer the question without the normal level of sarcasm?"  
"Do you think you could ask the questions with out the normal level of stupidity?" Haymitch shoots back. "I've just told you I'm here as her guardian- I either leave this room and take her or not leave at all- the choice is yours my friend."  
"Do I need to remind you that 13 has a strict no alcohol policy- one that you seem to be breaking?"  
"Do I need to remind you that I don't care, Plutarch?"  
The woman next to Plutarch taps his arm and whispers something in his ear, his shoulders sag and he looks at me.  
"Now Katniss, we've summoned you here to discuss propos." He motions to the people around him" these are my team, and you'll be working closely with each of them- introductions will come later and for now we'll just cover the basics." I nod in acknowledgement at what he's saying.  
"Now, due to your condition you will not be sent into any war zones, we will send you to the safest possible places- but of course nothing has a guarantee."  
"What do you mean no guarantee? You better be 99.9 percent sure that it's safe or this girl is not leaving District 13." Haymitch interjects.  
"That would be a direct violation of the Mockingjay agreement I'm afraid, but we can be almost certain that no harm will come to you or the baby."  
Haymitch is about to launch into a rant when I speak "Okay."  
He looks at me as if I'm crazy without tearing his eyes from mine he talks to Plutarch " I'm gunna need to speak to Katniss real quick- outside." With that he stands up and I follow him outside.  
"Are you fucking crazy?" He shouts when we stand in the corridor.  
"No, I'm mentally disoriented- read the bracelet." I bite back sarcastically.  
He glares at me "That's not what I mean. Are you trying to get yourself killed- not to mention that little baby?"  
"Of course not," I shriek "but it's not an option, I fucked up, if I don't do it then I'm breaking the Mockingjay agreement- that means I won't get Peeta back."  
"You'll get him back, plans for a rescue mission are already underway- it will happen no matter what."  
"Oh yes, perfect - he can come back here, be tried for treason. But not before he learns that he's going to have a baby he'll never meet!" I shout. "I'm just glad Snow hasn't told him." I mutter more to myself than Haymitch,  
"What are you talking about? How do you know he hasn't told him?"  
I shrug "His eyes, Peeta's eyes- they didn't hold any hope. If knew about the baby he'd have hope."  
"And you don't want him to have hope?"  
"I would rather he die sooner in the Capitiol and not later- I can't imagine what they're doing to him. When I came to you aboard the hovercraft with the syringe it was to kill him- if we were in the Capitol I didn't want him to suffer anymore because of me." Haymitch's stance weakens as he witnesses the tears rolling down my face.  
"But you don't want him to die in the Capitol, you want him to come back, raise the little one with you."  
I shrug heavily "I don't know what I want anymore."  
Haymitch furrows his eyebrows "What are you talking about?" He half sighs, his tone suspicious and worried at the same time. I understand, I too, am confused, one minute my brain will be telling me one thing and the next day I'll change my mind- I'm blaming it on pregnancy hormones.  
"I want him here and I don't- I want him here to look after the baby, so we can be with each other, because I miss him. I don't want him here because he'll be called a traitor, I'll have to see what torture he endured for me, he doesn't deserve this- he deserves so much better. You said so yourself. I don't want him to know about the baby whilst he's in the Capitol because they'll use it against him, it will encourage him to survive when he should give up- I don't want him to take more then he can bare. But then as much as I want him to be out out of his misery I want him with me because I'm selfish. I don't even know about the baby, I love crumb but 2 mentally fucked up 17 year olds is not what they need. They need love and affection, something that I haven't even given Peeta yet."  
"Sounds like a big o'l speech just to tell me you're scared, sweetheart." I'm about to nod when he continues, "but scared isn't a good excuse, scared is the excuse everyone has always used. So I want you to pick yourself up and march back in there Solider Everdeen."

At first I'm shocked, Haymitch went from comforting to commanding in a flash. He's using tough love, a technique that I, myself have always favoured. I give him a firm nod and stride back into the room, confident and ready.  
I hear Haymitch follow my path and enter the room just seconds after me, both of us resuming our seats. "Sorry about that, let's carry on shall we?" I speak, not letting my voice waver. I am strong. I am the Mockingjay.  
Plutarch smiles "Well Katniss, I think we may just have something that will cheer you up." Intrigued, I raise an eyebrow at him. He slidesa black leather book across the table.  
I open it and my resolve crumbles, tears leak from my eyes as I run my fingers along the pages. Cinna.

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed chapter 3, as you can see I'm not really following the format of Mockingjay but I am taking some ideas and events from the book. There will be a wedding, but as mentioned in this chapter it wont be Finnick and Annie's. Let me know if you have any suggestions; baby names, genders, pairings, events that you'd like to see. Either PM me or leave a review :)**

**C x**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer****: I do not own the hunger games or any of its characters. All rights belong to Suzanne Collins.**

Beautiful, every single one of them is beautiful. It's been 3 days yet I still can't stop myself looking at the book. Cinna and I were friends but what he's done is above and beyond. Not only has he designed me the most beautiful Mockingjay costume, a uniform embodying everything the rebellion stands for but he's sketched my life in outfits. Beyond the pages of the black Mockingjay uniform are sketches of outfits, each one drawn with passion and attention to detail.  
The first are a series of hunting outfits, each suited for the season and always including my fathers hunting jacket. 4 separate pages hold a design each, detailing the fabric to be used, why he chose the colours and a sketch depicting me in the woods of 12 wearing the clothes.  
It dawns on me that Cinna has put his thoughts on the paper so that another designer can bring his creations to life. I flip to the next pages that are a series of everyday wear, an orange tunic, a forest green jumper, and so many more wonderful creations.  
The next designs are certainly my favourites, the first of which being an orange sundress, the neckline is what Cinna seems to have labeled 'halter neck' _what ever that means_. The top of the dress is a deep orange, fading into warm yellows and then to a crisp white; like a sunset. I know Cinna had Peeta in mind when he designed it, guessing by the next sketch he knew we would end up together.  
It's a wedding dress. Not the over exuberant, attention grabbing dress he designed to please the Capitol, no matter how beautiful they were, they can't compare to this sketch. It's simple, white and beautiful. Full length with lace and small, subtle embellishments on the torso. I note that one of the materials used is silk. He hasn't just sketched the dress, but also; my face, beaming with a smile; my hair, flowing freely with a wreath of flowers weaved into the locks; he even went as far to draw the meadow back in twelve as the background. I seem to be clutching hands with a groom, I can tell straight away that it was Peeta's hand, calloused from years in the bakery. A small tear slips from my eye when I think of Cinna drawing this. Somehow he knew. He knew that I loved Peeta. At the bottom of the page is a small note:

**_I'm still betting on you._**

If that alone wasn't enough to send me into sobs the next pages would; all of them depicting me with a rounded belly in different outfits, the whole section entitled: maternity. The old me would have certainly looked upon the pages in horror, having a baby was always out of the question. Not so much now.  
Each of the drawings makes me ache for Peeta, for our future.  
I close the pages and put it next to my father's plant book before exiting my bedroom.  
I enter the living area where Haymitch and Gale are sitting, each wears a look of sympathy upon seeing my tear-stained face and red, puffy eyes.  
"You ready, Girl on fire?" Gale asks.  
The corners of my lips turn up at the old nickname. It's been so long since anyone's called me that, then again I can see why. I'm merely a shell of who I used to be, my flames have dwindled, my roar silenced by the absence of the boy with the bread.  
I nod my head at Gale knowing that any attempt at speaking will no doubt lead to a voice crack, confirming that I am nowhere near ready, and nowhere near okay. He smiles back in acknowledgement which floors me.  
Gale. My Gale; The one who could tell what I was thinking from just one look, the who would know my next action by a twitch of my finger. That Gale is gone. He's oblivious to my basic tells; playing with my braid and drumming my fingers against my leg, the ones that would scream to him 'I am not okay'. Maybe Haymitch was right, Gale has changed.  
Once Gales back is turned, Haymitch casts me a look, the one that says 'you lair'. He knows. I guess after weeks upon weeks of being around each other constantly we've come to know each other very well. The way he rubs his fingers against each other tells me that he, too is nervous. The only one who seems to be radiating confidence is Gale, in his sleek black army uniform, but then again I could be wrong. It could all be a front that he's putting on - maybe I can't read him as well as I used to, just as he with me.

We file out of the room; Gale, me, then Haymitch who places a hand on the small of my back and comes to walk beside me. Walking the familiar path to Control I see people looking at me with a new appreciation, its been that way ever since the announcement of my acceptance of the role of Mockingjay, even though I was the symbol way before I accepted the role.

Outside the meeting room are stationed two guards, each part ways and offer a simple nod of the head to Gale. The doors slide open with Gale placing his finger on a scanner just like the ones down in the cafeteria. I realise that they must have installed a new security system following my outburst after finding out about Peetas propo's. The door opens, and the people at the table stand; Coin, Pultarch, Coin's right-hand man whose name I've learned is Boggs and the usual higher-ups I see in every Control meeting but have not bothered to learn the names of. My eyes drift to the end of the table where 3 new additions sit. I gasp.  
"Oh my god. Vienna? Flavius? Octavia?" Each of them nod and smile before vacating their places standing behind the chairs to embrace me. I notice as I wrap my arms around them how bony their bodies have become.

They've taken the dull grey District 13 uniform and styled it out, but I call tell that underneath it all their bones are protruding through their skin at scary angles. I know because its been a feature of my body for as long as I can remember. They must be having serious problems adjusting to the District 13 diet. Their eyes also just look... dull. Their smiles beam but their eyes scream.  
I push the thoughts to the very back of my mind, resting with Peeta and the baby that have been banished and locked in a small box.

I beam at them regardless, my pets.  
Haymitch embraces them too, much to their and my own surprise. I look at Gale who observes with a sour, disgusted look on his face- _what's crawled into his ass all of a sudden?  
_We walk around the table and I take my seat next to them, Flavius grasps my hand holding it in both of his, providing me the smallest of comforts. We're briefed on the mission in District 8 of which I was informed of a day ago. They're insisting to only give the missions on short notice in case the Capitol catch wind of the plans and form an attack. I understand the reasoning but it forgoes getting permission from Dr. Steel, a fact that I haven't yet revealed to Haymitch.  
I'll have 2 hours in prep and then we'll head out for District 8, which will take around 5 hours. I'll spend around 3 hours, filming at the hospital there and then we'll be heading back to 13 for editing.  
It sickens me that we're going to be using sick people, dying people for just a propo. We wont even help them, we're taking no medical supplies, no food, nothing but a camera crew that will be useless to those people.  
Hope. Thats what President Coin thinks it will ignite. 'It will remind people what they're dying for' she says. Yes, reminding people that they're dying for a scared, pregnant teenager who only wanted to save her little sister.  
Whereas the Capitol's propos focus on uniting the nation, ours will focus on the damage and death they've caused, the compassionate Mockingjay. Haymitch screamed until he was blue in the face when they tried to convince me to include the pregnancy. There is no way Peeta is finding out about this baby whilst he's in the Capitol.  
Thankfully, the meeting ends quickly and I'm escorted into my 'prep' room with Vienna, Flavius and Octavia. Haymitch also walks me to the door but leaves promptly claiming he 'don't want to be forced into one of them damn monkey suits again'.  
"So how have you been, Katniss?" Flavius asks whilst combing thick white goo into my hair.  
"I miss him" I admit, they all nod offering sympathetic looks. I have to wonder if they know about the baby or not. "But how have you guys been?" I ask on a cheerier note "How are you liking 13 so far?"  
Flavius' hands still in my hair and I hear a sharp intake of breath from Octavia as she drops her nail file. "Guys?" I prompt.  
Vienna's voice is the one who eventually answers, "Its, um, very different from the Captiol. we haven't really seen much outside the factory, really." she says, her voice hitching on the word factory. I see Flavius' head shoot up at the word and cast a warning look at Vienna. _What's going on?  
_I avoid the obvious question of 'What factory?' and instead say "Well what about your compartments? What are they like?"  
Vienna looks at Falvius again, asking for permission I think, which he denies with the shake of his head. I yet again have to wonder _what the hell is going on?  
_"Well, um, how about the beds, they're nothing like the Captiol ones- I swear I could be sleeping on the floor?" I try to joke.  
"You too?" Octavia exclaims before throwing her hands over her mouth.  
I sit up straight "Wait, what do you mean?"  
Flavius sighs "Don't worry Katniss, we're all a bit tired, aren't we girls?" he says his voice becoming strained when addressing Vienna and Ocatvia.  
"No, what do you mean _you too? _Octavia_?" _I ask softly, grasping her hand across the table serving as a make shift nail bar. Her eyes well with tears as she looks up to meet my eyes.  
A tear falls as she mutters "The factory..."  
"What factory, Octavia?" Her hands shake as she places the nail file back down. Vienna pipes up behind me.  
"We sow" she says, will controlled calm. "Ever since we've been here that's what we've done." I glance up at her imploring her to continue. She walks and takes a seat next to Octavia offering her a shoulder to cry on. I marvel at how my pets have grown up and matured,_ but at what expense_? "When we got here, we were asked to put the finishing touches on your Mockingjay uniform. The ones that Cinna couldn't finish." My eyes water at the mention of Cinna's name as do my prep team's.  
Flavius continues the story "We thought that would be it. Just finish the uniform and then we would wait until you needed to be made up... but that didn't happen. We were forced back in there, nobody could sew as fast as us or with as much skill- we were trained in the Capitol so we had an upper hand on everyone else."  
Octavia continues the next part in between sobs "We." sob "thought we" sob "would get better" sob "treatment." sob "but..."  
Vienna closes her eyes as if in pain "But we didn't, we were forced to work into the night, without food." my stomach flips at the news and I rush into the bathroom, gathering my hair in a makeshift pigtail before depositing my breakfast in the toilet. When I re-emerge they al glance up at me.  
"Why didn't you guys tell me?" I ask fighting back my own tears.  
Their eyes flitter down to my stomach where I have absent-mindedly placed my hand. "Oh." Is all I can offer.  
"It's okay." Vienna tells me looking down. "If we were in the Captiol we'd be dead anyway."  
"Is that the excuse they told you?" I exclaim. They all nod sheepishly, and I shake my head. "That is the last time you will sleep in that factory. I don't care if you have to come and live with me. you are not sleeping on the floor again." I tell them with fierce determination. I draw them all in for a hug before they resume returning me to _beauty base zero.  
_"So tell us about you and Peeta." Octavia says, wiping her tears and fixing a smile back onto her face. "When we got here, we were told it was all an act but.. god Katniss, you cant fake true love."  
I recite our story easily, explaining my thoughts at the time and how clueless I was to love. When I talk about the victory tour all the memories come flooding back. Especially that one night after we visited District 11.

_The train doors slide shut behind me as I enter the compartment, walking and then falling onto my bed. I lay starting at the ceiling, the tears welling in my eyes. I long to close them, to be blessed with the darkness, even the image of Cato torn apart by mutts would be preferable to this. All I see when I close my eyes is her. Her, stomach pouring blood and eyes pleading, begging me to save her. I didn't. She's dead. She has no future. Her stomach will never bear a child, only the mismatched stitches of a Capitol doctor before they put her in a box and shipped her back home. Her hand will never wear a ring given to her by a man she loves, they will forever be tainted with her own blood. Just as with my own._

_ My 4th finger on my left hand wears a ring: a plain silver band adorned with Capitol jewels but my hands are still stained with her blood and it wasn't given to me by a man I love. It was given to me by a boy whom has loved me since he was 5, a boy who sacrifices his happiness everyday for me, a boy who I don't and never will deserve. _

_I sit up and look at my reflection in the mirror of my dressing table from my bed. All I can see is a murder. In a flash of anger I rip the ring off my finger and pelt it at the reflection. It makes a sharp, satisfying, metallic smash as it makes contact and the glass adorns large black lines in the form of cracks. That ring should be on the finger of Delly Cartwright or Madge, not lying on the carpeted floor of my compartment - me, a girl who isn't capable of love.  
My tears fall as diamonds, a fitting simile as it was my coal, black soul that was crushed to create them. Then again as Effie would say: my tears are pearls, but that makes them sound delicate, precious, not sharp and hard as they are. _

_Pathetic. Who am I to cry? I am no longer hungry. I am no longer cold during winter nights. The man who I will marry is kind, sweet, funny, charming, thoughtful and to be frank, very attractive. I do not deserve to cry. I do not deserve Peeta.  
Strangled sobs escape my throat as my eyes continue to bleed tears regardless of my thoughts. My hands find my face and my cries are echoed in the small space.  
A light rapping on the door immediately forces me to regain my composure, I hastily wipe my eyes on the bed sheets, walk over and press the button that will slide open the door. Before it can fully open to reveal my guest I turn my back and walk back to my bed. Before I reach the statin sheets and sit down, strong arms encircle my waist. I sigh heavily as his lips make contact with the flesh of my neck.  
Slowly he turns me around so I can stare into the baby blue of his eyes. "How you doing?" He asks.  
I nod my head against his chest, muttering "I'm fine."  
His hands stroke my hair "Don't lie to me Katniss."  
I tense at this__ "I'm fine" I repeat, defensively, my voice cold.  
"Katniss..." he signs.  
I pull my head off his chest "I am not lying. Just because you think you know me doesn't mean you actually do, Peeta." I bite back harshly.  
His jaw clenches as he looks into my eyes. "Katniss, you have smudged mascara under your eyes. Don't tell me you're fine." his voice is hard and his embrace, tense.  
"Oh" is all I manage, horrified at how awful I am to Peeta- even when he's just trying to help me. "Sorry." I tell him  
He smiles sympathetically at me, glancing at the cracked mirror and then down to where his ring lies on the floor. As his gaze is cast upon it his brows furrow. "You should be." he tells me, smiling so I know it's a joke. "That ring costs a lot of money."  
I giggle, something that is very rare for me, whilst his chest vibrates with laughter. I shrug out of his hold and walk slowly over to the piece jewellery, picking it up and placing it in the palm of my hand.  
I present it to him "See, it's as good as new." I tell him amazed that the ring has come through that unscathed.  
"Here I'll take that." he says, reaching to take it out of my palm, but I stop him putting my hand out of his reach. "Its okay, Katniss, you should have to wear it when we're not in public." He adds, hurt seeping into his tone and looking down to the floor.  
I don't know what makes me do it, especially since he's given me an out, but I slide the ring back on my finger. It really is beautiful, it's not for the Captiol, it's for me. Simple. A thin band sporting an oval diamond. It's a tad too big fro my taste but Im guessing Peeta was told to mollify the Capitol, and I'm glad he comprised on the size than the design. I would rather have this ring and not a very over the top, very un-me, flashy ring.  
I look back up from the ring and into his mesmerizing eyes which are simmering with an untold emotion.  
Then his lips are on mine.  
I don't know who initiated the kiss, nor do I care, I'm just glad they did as our lips fight for dominance of the kiss fuelled by passion. His lips are soft but the kiss is hard and my thoughts fly out of my mind. His hands settle at my hips, fingertips lightly brushing my flesh in rhythm to the kiss. His palms slowly inch up, exploring my curves and accidentally raising my top to reveal a slither of flesh which puckers with goose bumps at his feather-light touch.  
I gasp as his hands trail down to grasp my ass, opening my mouth and allowing access for his tongue which hesitantly strokes against my own igniting the hunger I felt in the cave. It occurs to me that this is our first kiss off camera. The thought fuels my fire.  
With newfound confidence I push him towards the bed, he falls with a flourish, smiling but his eyes reading shock. The shock soon dissolves in his blue orbs being replaced instead, by desire as I climb on the bed and straddle his waist. As I bend down to reconnect my lips with his, my hair falling around us to form a veil of privacy: it make the whole kiss feel oddly more intimate.  
Unsure of where to put his hands, they linger on my hips, fiddling with them hem of my shirt. The action oddly annoys me, I want to scream: JUST TAKE IT OFF!  
So I do.  
Breaking the kiss I whip the garment over my head, Peeta raises his shoulders off the bed, eyebrows shot up in surprise before smiling slowly, sexily. "You're beautiful" He whispers and I suddenly feel exposed. To combat the sudden vulnerability I kiss him. Hard._

_ Swaying my hips above his growing arousal - after sleeping with him to combat nightmares these past weeks I am more than familiar with my effect on him.  
A loud knock reverberates through out the room but it doesn't register in either of our brains until it's too late. I pull away just as the doors slide open, Peeta mutters an expletive of some kind which, in all fairness makes me want to kiss him even more. I place my butt so it hovers, cleverly hiding Peeta's 'situation' but keeping all my weight on my knees.  
"Oh my." I can hear the flush in Effie's voice. I turn my head sharply.  
"Yeah, sorry Effie, Katniss is trying to prove that she's better at wrestling than me."  
She looks wary but then I guess it doesn't matter, she thinks the star-crossed lovers act is real. "Well I will leave you to your ministrations, accept my apologies for bursting in ever so rudely, my, my, how Neanderthal of me. I will need to speak with each of you later this eve, separately, if you please."  
"Of course Effie, there is no need to apologise and don't call yourself a Neanderthal, you are a pearl Effie- don't forget it."  
I turn back to face Peeta and roll my eyes at him, earing me an eyebrow raise.  
"Oh Peeta, you are a sweetheart. I'll leave you two to your devices."  
"Thank you Effie, see you at dinner." Peeta replies and with that the door closes.  
I laugh "You kiss ass." I tease.  
"Hey it got her out of here didn't it?" He asks rhetorically, laughing. He then sits up so we're face to face "So that means we can keeping doing this" he adds before connecting our lips. I __pull away quickly muttering " thank god." To which he chuckles at.  
__We kiss for I don't know how long, I just know that I feel comforted, loved. Until another knock interrupts us. I immediately pull away, rushing off Peeta's lap and scooping my shirt up off of the bed and pulling it on in double time. Meanwhile Peeta positions a pillow in my place covering himself and avoiding anymore awkward situations.  
__"Dinner's ready." Haymitch calls from the other side of the door.  
__Before I can open my mouth to reply Peeta's voice rings out through the compartment telling Haymitch "We'll be out in two minutes."  
__Before I can point out his mistake, his eyes widen and an expletive rolls off his tongue as Haymitch's broken chuckle resounds in the room. "The two of you in there, huh? I didn't know what Effie was going on about, but you guys really are bumping uglies, huh?"  
__I gasp and bury my head in my hands. "Fuck off, Haymitch" Peeta shouts back and, with that we hear footsteps walking away and the distant echo of cackles.  
__"We're going to have to go out there, for dinner." I wine, mortified that Haymitch has told the whole train we've had sex in here, which isn't what we were doing at all. "I mean my lips are swollen and you can tell we've kissed, and..." I trail off.  
__"Katniss, they've seen us kiss a thousand times before, why should this be any different?"_

_I still my movements as he says this. Why should this be different? Because... Because I felt it again! The hunger, for once in my life I thought about taking things further than kissing. For once in my life I enjoyed being loved and cared for by this amazing, wonderful boy.  
"Yeah nothing, nothing different." I bite back before storming out of my own room. I hear him call out for me but continue, quickening my pace and reaching the dinning area before he can catch up with me. I plaster on my Capitol smile as I enter, greeting them all with a nod of my head.  
"Oh here she is, you and the boy having fun in that compartment of yours?" Haymitch cracks.  
I'm about to reply with a sour insult before Effie beats me to it "Haymitch Abernathy, what goes on in the bedroom, even if it is before marriage," she gives me a pointed look "should stay between a man and a women, not shared at the dinner table, thank you very much."  
He grumbles something under his breath, not enough for anyone to hear but I'm able to lip read the words 'you would know'. Before I can dwell on the words any further he speaks again, louder this time. "I'm joking Effie, we all know she's far to pure for that." Peeta chooses this exact moment to walk in.  
"Pure? Are we talking about Katniss?" He teases as he walks in standing next to me and wrapping an arm around me. I roll my eyes, offended and tense as his hand settles at my hip. He's either completely oblivious to my current mood or is playing a seriously dangerous game.  
I shrug out of his hold, unable to look him in the eye and walk to my usual spot at the dinner table. Peeta follows, sitting next to me on the bench, closer than usual. I decide that he must know I'm upset and is going for option number 2. I shift so I am as far away as possible from him without making the whole table acutely aware that there's something going on.  
My plate is filled up quickly, but the mountain of food makes my stomach flip so I just sit and twirl it with my fork as my mind swirls. How could he not tell that was different? No, I'm being stupid, that wasn't different at all, I'm just getting emotional because of the recent visit to District 11. It's the only thought that I can see makes sense.  
My internal inquest is stopped abruptly but his smooth but raspy voice "Katniss, you've got to eat." He coos.  
I shrug "I'm fine."  
"No, you're not, you're hungry just eat something."  
I scoff "Well, I've been hungry a thousand times before, why should this be any different?" I bite, repeating his words back to him although in a slightly different context. I turn to look at him, meeting his eyes which lite up with realisation.  
His hand discretely rest on my thigh under the table, his way of apologising I assume. I almost immediately brush it off, still looking him in the eyes and shaking my head with a clenched jaw. He signs in defeat and goes back to eating his food, I discreetly look around the table to see if anyone noticed our exchange but everyone seems to be in their own head.  
My gaze falls back on Peeta who chews his food slowly, deliberately, sometimes closing his eyes to savour the flavour. A moan that escapes his mouth causes me to wriggle in my seat, but I quickly banish the thoughts elicited with the deep, throaty, se- the noise, nothing special, just a regular moan of a man enjoying his food.  
As I try to keep my thoughts off of him, focusing instead on how he hurt me with his earlier comment, my eyes stay transfixed on his profile. Especially on his strong jaw line. Eventually Effie breaks my reverie.  
"So, how did everyone think the day went today? Good, hmmm?" She says.  
Everyone murmurs in agreement whereas I nod rapidly "Oh yes, just great- I especially liked it when I had to address the family of the girl I failed to save." I spit, sarcastically.  
Silence follows, only the clatter of a fork against the china plate to be heard. "Oh I'm sorry, am I the only one that had a brilliant day? No scratch that, I've had a brilliant few weeks, basking in the fame and fortune - all of which I've earned by murdering people." I add sneeringly.  
I get up from the table "No, no one else?" I ask again, only to be met by the shocked faces of my company. "Well then, I'll leave you." I finish, my voice sickly sweet.  
As I reach the door I hear foot steps behind me, recognising the heavy tread I call out "I don't want anyone following me," I don't turn my head but point my finger behind me "especially you." I add bitterly. And with that I leave the dinning area_.

_My head rests in my hands as I sit on the tiled floor of my en-suite bathroom. The shower drums on in the background, water droplets hitting the cold tiles before running down the drain, each one mixed with my blood.  
I don't know how it happened, one minute I'm staring into the bathroom mirror, the next thing I know it's shattered into shards and my hands embedded with the shards. What is it about me and mirrors?  
I wince loudly as I plunge my hand back under the stream of water; hot and sharp against my skin. Hastily, I clean the wounds to my best extent- wishing, not for the first time, that I could be a healer like Prim, but then I remember I'm a hunter. I wouldn't want to be anything else. Not a tribute. Not a victor. Not a wife. However the days of making my own life decisions are well in the past. My only future is with Peeta.  
Peeta. Who came after me after I stormed off, only to be harshly shot down. Peeta, who knocked on my door persistently for an hour, only to be met by silence. Peeta, who said it was like all of our other kisses. Peeta. My boy with the bread.  
I groggily drag myself onto my feet, swaying into the stream of water and lifting my face so it's hit by the hot droplets before stepping out onto cool tiles, wet with condensation. I wrap a towel around my body focusing on how the soft fabric feels against my skin and not how my knuckles scream in pain at the motion. I tread carefully out of the bathroom, being sure not to slip on the fogged tiles and walk into my bedroom then over to my bed. 2 hours ago I was enjoying the best kiss of my life in this very spot. Now it feels cold and deserted; the satin sheets cool to the touch and only creased with the memory of that kiss.  
I crawl up to the top of the bed, lined with decorative cushions that I throw to the floor. As I watch the cushions fly the crash to the ground I notice a white t-shirt on the floor. It's Peeta's, he got too hot last night and took it off. My hand caresses my cheek, recalling the memory of his warm chest against my flesh.  
I reach down onto the floor, abandoning my towel and instead pulling Peeta's t-shirt over my head. It smells of him, cinnamon and that body wash Cinna gave him. It's comforting. Absent-mindedly I smooth out the wrinkles that the shirt has accumulated from spending the day on my floor, tracing my fingers over each imperfection. It strangely soothes me, calming me until I rest my head on a pillow and drift into sleep.  
I dream of her.  
So many fractured images that my mind can't fully comprehend what happened. I saw a glimpse of her future, her dressed in white, hair adorning flowers just as it had in the arena. Then blood. I don't know where it came from but it stared pouring out of every crevice, out of the trees in the orchid here she had her wedding, out of the apple that fell to the ground and exploded on impact, just like when I blew up the careers food supply. Next I see Peeta, he's smiling, looking past me with his eyes shining. Then Rue is back, not her image but her screams as I fall through a forest with branches that trip and grab you. Then Marvel. Cato. Clove. Thresh. Foxface. All of them until I wake up screaming, thrashing with my hands balled into fists causing searing pain from my wounds.  
I sit trying to catch my breath, my hair sticks to my forehead with sweat and my eyes scan the room for something, anything. My eyes snap to the door and I see Peeta rushing in, an angel bathed in the corridor light. He doesn't stop when he sees me, he keeps walking towards my bed. I sit up straighter leaning in his direction as he crawls onto the bed and takes me in his arms.  
We say nothing, the only sounds exchanged are my broken sobs and Peeta patient hushes coupled with forehead kisses. The time that passes in unknown to me but my breathing slows and my skin cools, it's when I decide to break the silence we've shared.  
"I'm sorry" I say, my voice hoarse and barely a whisper. Peeta's arms wrap tighter around me and he hushes me once more.  
"No, Katniss..." He grabs my hand but before he can continue his speech I let out a yelp. My cuts crying in protest to the normally comforting gesture. "What... Katniss- are you okay?" He rushes out, tone urgent and worried. I rip my hand out of his grasp and clutch it to my chest biting my lip at the searing pain.  
His eyebrows furrow but before I can explain I'm lifted in his arms and carried to the bathroom, my body curled against his bare chest. My eyes squint, adjusting to the harsh white light as he places me on the marble counter next to the sink. I'm very suddenly aware that I'm in Peeta's shirt. And only Peeta's shirt. I cross my legs and pull the hem over my knees awkwardly. Peeta is oblivious, standing next to me and washing his hands in the basin.  
When I glance down at my hand I see that it has begun to bleed again, crimson trickles running down against my olive skin. I look back up at Peeta but his gaze is focused on my injuries. As if aware of my eyes on him he looks up, worried blue orbs meeting my steel grey. "What is it about you and mirrors?" He asks, glancing behind him at my second broken mirror of the day. The corners of my lips turn up in to a ghost of a smile as do his. Both vanish as he gingerly takes my hand. He brings it under the gentle flow of water from the tap, I close my eyes, breathing deeply. I've had worse than this. In the arena I had half my leg burned for gods sake. He tells me to keep my hand under the water as he disappears from the room momentarily.  
When he re-emerges through the bathroom doors he's holding cotton swabs and a pair of tweezers that Cinna uses to pluck the stray hairs from my eyebrows. He washes the metal before removing my hand from under the water. I take a sharp intake of breath as he dabs my wound dry, it still bleeding slightly. He looks up at me with the tweezers in hand "I've got to get the glass out, okay?" He asks his voice soothing. I nod, swallowing thickly.  
The next 5 minutes are spent with me one handedly clutching the counter as Peeta digs around looking for embedded glass. My teeth clenched and my muscles rigid, tense. When Peeta announces he's finished I breathe a sigh of relief- the worst is done.  
He cleans my cuts again, and I study his face; brow furrowed with concentration, lips slightly parted, tongue between his teeth. His chest toned, sculpted. He looks up at me mumbling something about finding some antiseptic before leaving the bathroom again. My cheeks flame thinking that he may have caught me staring but then I remember that he won't care. He's Peeta.  
I marvel at how he takes care of me, comforting me during and after nightmares, cleaning my wounds in the dead of night, even the press of his lips against my forehead went some way to heal my brokenness. For the fist time I smile at the thought of marrying Peeta- because I'm not just marrying him I'm marrying his kindness, his compassion, his selflessness, all of which I have none of.  
My trail of thought is stopped as he walks back into the bathroom a blue bag clutched in his hand. I smile at him "What has doctor Mellark got for me now?" I joke. He smirks at me unzipping the bag.  
"Bandages and antiseptic" he tells me with mock enthusiasm. I raise my eyebrows, both items are not common in my mothers medicine cabinet - too expensive, yet here that sit, readily available on a train, almost as an afterthought.  
He takes my hand again, washing it with antiseptic which is like pouring a bottle of Haymitch's vodka on my wound. To prevent focusing on my pain I speak to Peeta "So, how come you're a baker and not a doctor?" I tease, clenching my teeth.  
"I'll leave that to your mother" he replies, smiling.  
I nod and wanting to keep the conversation going I ask another question "So how did you get so good at this? I mean my mother's a healer and I didn't even know what to do."  
He finishes cleaning my wound and moves onto bandaging my hand, expertly dressing it. "I've had a lot of practice." He says calmly. I open my mouth, confused and about to ask why, when I remember. His mother. Looking down at him I see that he's finished fixing my hand and meets my gaze.  
"All done." He says calmly before standing up straight. I'm still open-mouthed not knowing what to say and I stay that way as I watch him walk out of the bathroom. Some part of my brain tells my feet to move, and they do, walking after him. I see him reaching the door and call out his name, he looks back at me, eyes swelling with emotion.  
"Stay with me?"  
He turns his whole body and strides towards me. Strong arms wrap around me and his voice whispers in my ear "always."  
My stomach decides now to make its presence known, grumbling and wining with lack of food. Peeta's quiet chuckle joins my own as he look down into my eyes "do you want to get some food?"  
I nod rapidly and we walk out of my compartment; his arm wrapped firmly around my waist.  
I sit in my spot whilst Peeta fixes me a plate of dinner. He smiles as he places it in front of me and slips into his usual place. I inhale my food, much to Peeta's amusement, relishing the favour.  
I put some more food on my plate but only to pick at as I talk to Peeta.  
"I meant what I said earlier" I mumble examining the patterns on the edge of the plate.  
"What that I should be a doctor?" He asks amused but clearly knowing that it's not what I'm referring to.  
I look up at his face but not into his eyes, a ghost of a smile being wiped off my lips "No, when I apologised." I whisper.  
His eyes soften "I know why you were mad." He tells me. I implore him to continue as I, myself am just beginning to figure this out. "When I said that- it was true, because for me that was like every other kiss we've shared, granted it was... Er more heated but my feelings behind every kiss are the same, Katniss." He sighs " I should have taken into consideration that you might have felt something different?" He says it as a question and I have to look down. I can hear the hope in his tone and his eyes are no doubt shining with it.  
"It felt like the one in the cave" I admit.  
"I know what you mean."  
I look at him with a cocked eyebrow "I thought they all felt the same to you?"  
He sighs running his hand through his hair "In the cave, I thought, I thought that was all real and I haven't let myself believe that anything you did was out of real feelings since." My stomach twists at the news "but then this time, a little thought popped into my head saying 'she actually wants this'. I shot it down and that's why I said that- I thought if I made a big deal I'd only get hurt again"  
"It was our first kiss off camera." I say, completely unrelated, peering up at him.  
He smiles "I know"  
I swallow "The one in the cave...I wanted it to happen. But I also wanted the sponsors." I tell him carefully. "And I wanted this one to be just for us, no sponsors, no Capitol. I...uh." I stumble, wondering whether to say the next part. "I wanted it to be more than kissing." The words tumble out of my mouth and my cheeks burn. He looks shocked, his mouth falling open and his eyes blinking several times. I can see that he has no clue how to react, so I do it for him.  
Leaning forward I press my lips against his, he doesn't respond straight away but I feel his jaw go slack and soon his movements mirror mine, our lips coming together in harmony. It's slow, sweet but with something darker lingering in its depths. My hands glide along the side of his neck and into his hair as his palms land on my hips. His tongue sweeps across my bottom lip, and I open my mouth, allowing, begging for his tongue to meet mine, tasting, touching, tentative. My finger nails scrape against his scalp eliciting a loud, feral...sexy groan from his throat. But then he pulls away.  
I draw a long shaky breath and look into his dilated eyes.  
"I don't want to take advantage of you" he breathes.  
"You couldn't if you tried." I say softly.  
"Katniss, it's an emotional day- I don't want you to regret this."  
I look down "I'm doing this because I want to, I want it to be with you Peeta. No-one else. I couldn't regret something that was real." I murmur, a blush blossoming on my cheeks.  
He stands up and offers a hand to me, I take it, confident with my decision and stride with him to my bedroom. The whole journey my mind Is focused on that moan... He moaned because of me, it vibrated against my lips, echoed in my mouth, because of me. The thoughts make my blood run hot and thick, my pulse drumming against my flushed skin.  
As soon as the door slides shut behind us he turns to look at me. I play nervously with the hem of his shirt that falls down to my knee "have you ever...?" I ask, trailing off.  
He quirks an eyebrow "had sex?" He asks to which I confirm with the nod of my head. "No." He answers confidently. I nod my head slowly, absorbing the information whilst stepping towards him.  
"That makes two us." I tell him. He nods and with no pause, no slow approach his lips consume me. This was no slow, gentle kiss, it was not the feather light kisses we had shared in front of the camera. I don't know which I prefer, the ones that make my lips tingle or the ones like this, that devour my mouth. Although filled by passion he kisses me carefully, nibbling and sucking my lower lip, I kiss him back, moaning and thrusting my fingers into his hair, pulling him closer, needing him closer.  
Peeta takes a few steps backwards toward the plush bed and slowly sits on it, with me bending over so I can keep his lips on mine. He shifts backwards, breaking our connection and I groan in protest. His hands find my hips and lifts me onto the bed so I'm straddling him, mirroring our earlier position. I bring my face down to his and I'm once again in euphoria. I would kiss him forever; his hands cupping my face, each touch of his lips making me feel loved, wanted.  
This isn't for the Capitol. Sponsors. Cameras. Survival. This is me and him. Together.  
"Are you sure you want this? You promise me?" He breathes as we pull away for air.  
My eyes meet his "yes" I say but it feels as though I'm telling him a thousand yeses. Yes, I want this. Yes, I promise. Yes, I will wake up happy with my decision. Yes, I want you.  
He rolls us both over, so that he's hovering over me, my legs fall open and one of his quickly wedges in the middle of them. I am now very aware that I'm in just Peeta's shirt, and his pyjama pants are rubbing against my core. I moan, and this time it's not because of the kiss but of the feel of the fabric. I remove my hands from his back bringing them down the hem of my shirt, Peeta must feel this because one of his hands joins mine as he sits up breaking the kiss to lift the garment over my head.  
Once I'm rid of the garment my whole body flushes, having never been shirtless before in front of anyone. My hands move to my chest, wanting to cover up but his hand grasps my own. He places a tender kiss on the palm of my hand, then moves to place one of my wrist, he trails the kisses down my forearm, nibbling until he gets to my shoulder where he presses a purposeful kiss. "You're beautiful." He sighs, his breath hot and thick against my skin, with those words my vulnerability vanishes. And my hands snake back into his hair. He nips and sucks along my collar-bone, reaching my neck which he lavishes with kisses, his tongue rolling against my skin. as his mouth works upwards, his fingers trail down, brushing past my breast, down the curve of my hip and resting inches away from where I want them most.  
He hovers his lips over mine "Have you ever...touched yourself?" He asks shyly, fingers stroking against the inside of my thigh. I swallow thickly and nod my head, he groans and runs his tongue along my jaw stopping as he reaches my ear. "Show me." He whispers, nipping my ear lobe.  
I keep one hand in his hair whist the other trails down to join his. I guide his hand until it makes contact with the tender flesh causing my breath to hitch. I move his hand so it strokes between my folds and when it reaches the bundle of nerves I moan; his calloused fingers applying just the right amount of pressure. I move my hand away, confident that he can do this own his own. I bite my lip as he circles my clit tantalisingly slow, before his fingers sink into my entrance. My mouth falls open at the fullness, his fingers are a lot bigger than mine. He moves them in and out slowly at first, rubbing his thumb against the bundle of nerves, then he increases his speed and I'm in ecstasy. My body writhes with pleasure, calling out his name. No self-induced orgasm can compare to that.  
When I open my eyes he's smiling proudly, I bite my lip before crashing them against his, curling my hands round his head and wrapping my legs around his waist. My feet catch on his pyjama bottoms, I press my heels against his hips and move them down, taking the pants with them. His chuckle breaks our kiss, he is body moves over me and I remove my legs briefly so he can remove the item.  
"You're sure, we can wait, we can do this right if you want?"  
"How can this be wrong?" I ask, tracing my tongue along his jaw "are you sure this is what you want?" I ask.  
He nods rapidly "I've wanted this longer than I care to admit"  
Then he kisses me firmly, unhurried. I feel his tip hesitate against my entrance and know that he too is nervous.  
"Just relax, and breathe," He tells me. I do so, taking a deep breath and focusing on the feel of his lips back on mine. I feel a sharp pinching pain as he slowly enters me, I shut my eyes tightly and breathe, trying not to focus on the pain. "I'm sorry," he tells me, pecking my forehead.  
He pushes deeper and my teeth sink into my lower lip.  
__"Just, er, do it." I tell him. And he does. Sinking fully inside of me. I breathe adjusting to the feel of being stretched. I look up into his eyes and nod my head, telling him to move slowly. He does so and with each thrust I feel the pain dissipate being replaced with pleasure. He dips his head down, capturing my lips with his softly. I moan into his mouth as his thrusts increase, both our body's lined with a thin layer of sweat and the air in the room is hot and heavy.  
__"I'm not gunna last long," he says with a strained voice.  
__"It's okay," I whisper back "I'm fine, Peeta, go" I bite the lobe of his ear, and then trace it with my tongue.  
__He thrusts sharply into me twice more before stilling at letting out a guttural moan. I watch his features contort as I feel come inside me. He slips out of me and I immediately miss the fullness "I'm sorry," he says.  
__I smile twisting my fingers in his hair, "for what? That was good." I tell him appreciatively.  
__"You didn't come"  
__"I did before. Where did you learn to do that by the way?" I murmur.  
__"I've got 2 older brother Katniss," he says, rolling off me and onto his back  
__"Thank them for me." I tease causing him to chuckle.  
__"You should here the advice Finnick Odair gave me when we were at the District 4 banquet."  
__I smile lazily at him, curling up and placing my head on his chest. "I can't wait to find out."  
__His hand rests at the small of my back and I feel him pull the dislodged covers over me as I drift into sleep._

Fingers snapping in front of my face bring me back to the now and away from delicious memories. My whole body burns red as Vienna, Octavia and Flavius cock a knowing eyebrow at me.

**Chapter 4 complete :) some smutty flashback for y'all. Hope you enjoyed. Review, follow and favorite...**

**C x**


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